Ok, so, I was recently rereading The Crying of Lot 49 last night, specifically Chapter 3, and I do feel I have a strange hypothesis about sections of that chapter that may be a complete projection, but the more that I look into the content of the sections I will parse out in particular, and the more research that I do, the more evidence seems to fall in place that sort of freaks me out and confirms my theory. Being freaks yourselves, I thought this would be the place for me to project my world, so to speak, and see if what I’m seeing is in any way based in reality or if I’m instead way off base.
My hypothesis is that Chapter 3 of The Crying of Lot 49, and specifically the Lake Inverity/Bone charcoal/Tony JaguaFangoso Lagoon section might be subtextually about Disneyland. I have struggled to find much about these particular sections of this chapter related to Disney. I own J. Kerry Grant’s A Companion to Lot 49, have scoured the Pynchon Wiki, read the reddit post discussion for Chapter 3 of this book, and tried Googling as much about it as I could, and I haven’t found anything to suggest Disneyland, so this is either a relatively new idea or one that is inaccurate as hell. Oh, boy!
To begin, I will say, I am fascinated and obsessed with Disneyland and Disney World which is maybe why I found some of the information I found within Lot 49 to begin with. One could say I have a perverse fascination with the 2 theme parks which has led me to all manner of revelations. In the same way that Pynchon, being from what I can tell, a heretical Catholic, has a perverse fascination with the sacred through the filter of the profane, I am somehow deeply attracted to and obsessed with all things Disney even though I think they are essentially a fascist, culturally banal, destructive force. Similar to how I believe Oedipa may have with Disneyland in the novel, I “fell in love with it (41).” What can I say?
The first half of Chapter 3 which I will focus on, involves Oedipa’s continued revelations. She gets her first peek at WASTE, the Tristero, the posthorn, and the Boeing-esque Yoyodyne is introduced. The plot of the novel really starts to thicken, or to put it a different way, the tapestry, the maaswork, really starts to come together, narrative threads criss-crossing every which way in all directions at once. A resource that was helpful for much of my understanding of this chapter and even just in how I read much of Lot 49 in general is Charles Hollander’s article on the novel: “Pynchon, JFK, and the CIA.” I’ll post it below.
https://www.vheissu.net/articles/hollander_49.php
Chapter 3, according to Hollander, is where some of the first hints of JFK’s assasination are placed. According to Hollander, this chapter uses allusion, parody, analogy, and enthymeme to encode its secret message about the JFK assassination. Mike Faloppian’s Peter Pinguid Society’s Dallas chapter certainly suggests this. I mention this, partially, to say that, in a way, I could maybe call what I’m trying to figure out here “Pynchon, Disney, and the CIA,” since in many ways what I’m wrestling with is what I perceive to be many hidden references to Disney's shaddy dealings throughout 40s and 50s Californian history. Disney World, in particular, does have a direct history of involvement with the CIA with regard to how it acquired its real estate holdings, for example, which interestingly enough is what a chunk of this chapter is about when it comes to its references to Inverarity (not Disney World, but real estate holdings in general, Inverarity's more specifically).
The first section of the chapter that gave me some strange vibes regarding Disneyland was the section where Metzger, Oedipa, and the Paranoids go to Fangoso Lagoon, “one of Inverarity’s last big projects (40).” I will quote some of these sections below where these vibes first made themselves known.
“Somewhere beyond the battering, urged sweep of three-bedroom houses rushing by their thousands across the dark beige hills, somehow implicit in an arrogance or bite to the smog the more inland somnolence of San Narciso did lack, lurked the sea, the unimaginable Pacific, the one to which all surfers, beach pads, sewage disposal schemes, tourist incursions, sunned homosexuality, chartered fishing are irrelevant, the hole left by the moon’s tearing-free and monument to her exile; you could not hear or smell this but it was there, something tidel began to reach feelers in past eyes and eardrums, perhaps to arouse fractions of brain current your most gossamer microelectrode is yet too gross for finding (40-41).”
This first quote stood out to me because it reminded me of the printed circuit Oedipa sees in Chapter 2. At the beginning of Chapter 2, Oedpia looks out at the landscape and sees it as deeply controlled, planned, almost machine-like or circuit-like. I don’t think this is a wildly different passage from that one. It, like the previous seciton forces the reader to ask the question: how did America come to be how it is now? This is an important question Lot 49 is always forcing its reader to ask. How did the deep conservatism or fascism creep in? Would the answer not be the subject of this book? Communication systems. What company is in charge of some of the most monopolized forms of our communication systems to this day? Disney, of course! Is this an accident? Was it planned? The malignant, magic forces referenced in Chapter 1 may have made it so, may have “urged [the] sweep of three-bedroom houses rushing by their thousands across the dark beige hills (40).” Surely the Walt Disney Company has done as much as any to reinforce suburban 3-bedroom forms of existence that have had a stranglehold on our cultural existence for so many years, than just about any, right? But this was just where I started to get the first inkling of vibes about Disneyland. To continue with another quote:
“They came in among earth-moving machines, a total absence of trees, the usual hieratic geometry, and eventually, shimmying for the sand roads, down in a helix to a sculpted body of water named Lake Inverarity. Out in it, on a round island of fill among blue wavelets, squatted the social hall, a chunky ogived and verdigrised, Art Nouveau reconstruction of some European pleasure-casino. Oedpia fell in love with it (41).”
This is where my paranoia really got going. Much of the description of the passage above does not sound like a man-made lake or lagoon. Far from it. Lake Inverarity is described as “a round island of fill,” that contains a “social hall,” and as a “Art Nouveau reconstruction of some European pleasure-casino.” That sounds much more like Disneyland than just a man-made lake created by a real-estate developer? Also with Oedpia being a consistent parody of housewives in suburban America, it would make sense that she would fall in love with Lake Inverarity if it is, in fact, Disneyland. Plus, there might be another hint in the name Lake Inverarity itself, since it is the only holding named after Inverarity specifically, just as Disneyland is named after Disney himself. I don’t believe that Inverarity is a direct analogy for Disney specifically, but I do believe he is instead an analogy for any of the unseen hyper-capitalist forces that have come to dominate our culture, Disney clearly being one example.
And just a side note before I continue with some of my evidence. It would make complete sense, this being a novel about Southern California, its real-estate development, and history, that Pynchon would eventually have to get to Disneyland. It is a property in Southern California, that especially between 1955 and 1965 had to have HUGE influence. How could he not incorporate it even if it was only referred to passively or encoded into the references of the text (much in the same way Hollander argues that Pynchon does the same for JFK’s assassination). There is another passage that REALLY got me convinced about my above theory, the section where Manny DiPresso is discussing the bone charcoal “used in the R&D phase of the filter program. Back around the early 50’s.” Here it is:
“Presently the bodies sank and stayed where they were till the early ‘50s, when Tony Jaguar, who’d been a corporal in an Italian outfit attached to the German force at Lago diPieta and knew about what was at the bottom, decided among some colleagues to see what he could salvage. All they managed to come up with was bones. Out of some murky train of reasoning, which may have included the observed fact that American tourists beginning then to be plentiful, would pay good dollars for almost anything; and stories about Forest Lawn and the American cult of the dead; possibly some dim hope that Senator McCarthy, and others of his persuasion, in those days having achieved a certain ascendancy over the rich cretini from across the sea, would somehow refocus attention on the fallen of WWII, especially ones whose corpses had never been found; out of such labyrinth of assumed motives, Tony Jaguar decided he could surely unload his harvest of bones on some American someplace through his contacts in the “family,” known these days as Costa Nostra. He was right. An import-export firm bought the bones, sold them to a fertilizer enterprise, which may have used one or two femurs for laboratory tests but eventually decided to phase entirely into menhaden instead and transferred the remaining several tons to a holding company, which stored them in a warehouse outside of Fort Wayne, Indiana, for maybe a year before Beaconsfield got interest (47).”
When I read “which may have included the observed fact that American tourists beginning then to be plentiful, would pay good dollars for almost anything,” I could not think of anything but Disneyland. In his historiographic metafictions, Pynchon often superimposes historical realities onto present ones in order to make political, social, and religious commentary that would otherwise be inexpressible. An easy example is the fact that Gravity’s Rainbow is a novel about 1960’s America set in Britain during World War II. In the above passage, if Pynchon is superimposing the strange, seemingly random history of “an Italian outfit attached to the German force at Lago diPieta.” and is using this as an analogy, to project a world that speaks to his present day, I don’t know how Pynchon couldn’t be referring to Disneyland. The novel is set in Southern California, the place where Pynchon lived in 1965. Wouldn’t Disneyland, the rise of tourism, how that was changing the landscape of America and hijacking the “family,” its communication systems, propaganda, and culture, wouldn't all that have been on his mind? I have a few more quotes and then a possibly even more major revelation before I feel I can finally feel I’ve made my point.
Later on in the Lagoon, the Paranoids start smoking pot, and the following happens:
“[B]y holding up the glowing roaches of their cigarettes like a flipcard section at a football game, to spell out alternative S’s and O’s, attracted the attention of the Fangoso Lagoons Security Force, a garrison against the night made up of one-time cowboy actors and L.A. motorcycle cops (49).”
I believe this “one-time cowboy actor” reference to be a reference to Ronald Regan, a fixture of southern California and one-time cowboy actor, and yet another thread in the patchwork connections to Disney. On October 24, 1947, Walt Disney and Ronald Regan both testified against communism, naming particular individuals they found nefarious communists within the film industry (another communication industry, one could say) before the House of Un-American Activities Committee. Which got me thinking, with all the mob references in the above section about Lago diPeta and the bones, was Disney ever involved with the mafia or mob, with “Costa Nostra?” I didn’t find much, but I did find something extremely interesting, which also led to one final even more strange realization. Read the link below, it lays out the story of Willie Bioff, a mobster who attempted to but failed to help break up Disney’s Union Strike in the 1940’s.
https://babbittblog.com/2016/10/09/disney-and-the-mob-willie-bioff/
This may seem unrelated to Pynchon’s “parable of power,” but earlier in the chapter when Mike Fillopian is discussing Russia and America, clearly also, yet again using a historical detail as a historiographic metafiction, superimposing a historical reality onto a present one, in this case, that of the cold war, when Fillopian mentions “After the confrontation, appalled at what had to be some military alliance between Russia...and a Union that paid lip service to abolition while it kept its own industrial laborers in a kind of wage-slavery (36),” its fairly clear which side of the picket-isle Pynchon would have been during an animator strike of Disney in the 1940s, or any strike for better treatment, for that matter. In Lot 49, Pynchon has written a "parable of power" about the various ways the circuit board of American life has reinforced the indentured servitude of supposed abolitionists, which in our modern world, could easily be a stand in for the structures of neo-liberalism. And nothing on this earth is more an example of banal neoliberal capitalism than Disneyland, nothing (except for maybe Epcot, of course). This is a lot of information, and I may not have done a very good job of connecting it all or being as explicit as I could have at explaining how specific references hint at Disney throughout the chapter, and this has already become too long, HOWEVER, I have one final piece of information that blows my DAMN MIND that is likely coincidental, but which I still could not believe I found.
Inspired by the book and wanting to find more connections in the tapestry, I started doing research into Disney’s involvement with the FBI and found some public records about his direct involvement with them on the FBI's website. Walt Disney was a SAC (Special Agent in Charge) for the FBI, according to these documents, for a period of time, interestingly enough, in the late 50s. There are literal letters to Disney from J. Edgar Hoover himself to Disney in these documents. I’ll post them below along with a number of other links that discuss Disney’s connection to the FBI, the last one being particularly fascinating in its connections to the novel.
https://vault.fbi.gov/walter-elias-disney/walter-elias-disney-part-01-of-03/view
http://www.schaakstukkenmuseum.nl/?p=2195&lang=en
http://jfk.hood.edu/Collection/Weisberg%20Subject%20Index%20Files/F%20Disk/FBI/FBI%20Press%20Use%20Of/Item%2009.pdf
https://www.mouseplanet.com/8987/The_Mickey_Mouse_Club_FBIs_Most_Wanted
I very much suggest looking at the Mouse Planet link above. If you have read The Crying of Lot 49 and know who Baby Igor and Metzger is, I VERY MUCH SUGGEST IT. Upon reading this and looking at all the other material, I discovered that there was a child-star, mentioned specifically in these documents, that was to be the child used in a set of documentaries Disney was to make as propaganda films for the FBI specifically, promoting them to the public in 1958. This child’s name was Dirk Metzger. I shit you not. His name was METZGER and he was a child star whose father was in the military. READ THE ARTICLE. His daddy, his doggy, and HIM! And guess what, look at what his profession became after being a child actor in these films? Guess it was: he became a lawyer!!! Baby Igor himself! In the flesh!? Look at the article. It’s all there. I can’t fucking believe it!? Now, I admit, this is all probably just a coincidence. Being 14 in 1958 would put Metzger at being only 21 or so in 1965 when the Crying of Lot 49 came out, so it is unlikely that this is exactly what I think it is, a direct, real, historical correlation, but who knows? Pynchon lived in California at the time. Who knows whom or what he may have come across...
Maybe I’m seeing things that aren’t there. Maybe Disneyland is nowhere to be found in the California of The Crying of Lot 49. Maybe this is all, as Hilarius would say, a Rorsoch blot. Maybe I’m simply hallucinating. I will say though, either way, I do think the political exigence of The Crying of Lot 49 has done its work on me. Even if this is only an ink blot, a world I’m projecting rather than one that is actually there, I have certainly done more thinking about Disney, its union-busting, suburban-infused. McCarthy-ian underbelly than I have, maybe ever, and that power, and Pynchon's parable of power he wrote in reaction to it, is something that is very much alive and with us today, it is a power that is still creating indentured servitude and whose malignant, “formless magic” is igniting all around us. Hopefully I, like Oedpia, have gotten a little closer to understanding how it works and counting its line of force. Maybe,
“If the tower is everywhere and the knight of deliverance no proof against its magic, what else?”

Yes, I know it was dumb to casually give out my Social Security Number, even if it is just the last 4 digits.
​
I was bored today, and since I saw some friends playing blackjack online, I thought I would try gambling for the first time. I was referred to an online casino (Ignition Casino). Signed up and they had asked for:
- Full Name
- Full Date of Birth
- Address
- Last 4 Digits of SSN
- Phone Number
- Email
I just assumed they needed the information because gambling is regulated in the U.S., but then I checked after I had already signed up and deposited money that they did not currently operate under a license. Now I am really worried that I gave my SSN, DoB, and name to an unregulated website in a moment of weakness. What should I do now?
​
I am located in California, if that is of any importance.

Hello my name is Sofia I'm 16 years old and I'm from Russia and I have 2 years to survive before my end.
A while ago I made one post in subreddit about immigration, but everything I got is a lot of downvotes and mainly got ignored. Like I got ignored by everything my whole life.
First of all, I gonna say why I have a time limit, there a lot of reasons for that. I don't sure what I should begin, but in short my current status:

• I have big problems with my family. Begining with no right to at least have a hair cut ending with dad that can get drunk, go back home and destroy everything, and beat my mom. Every day when both parents are home there are endless scandals and constant words about divorce.
• My mother always telling me about her problems since I was a little child. And keep talking like I was born to help her and at the same time, she can say why did I give birth to you. I sometimes respond with "I didn't ask you to give birth to me"
• Even my little brother hates me, make fun of me, call me a girl, that I look like a girl (don't sure how I should react, because I'm transgender), can punch me... I mean will punch me.
• Also, I eating instant noodles and the cheapest food, because we don't earn very much, a few times we don't even have enough money to pay for rent.
• I crying for almost every day. And it's doesn't even matter when my parents saw it, like if it was ok to always cry.
• I have problems at my school. Not only school bullies have hated me, but also some teachers. Bullies can beat me with a big crowd and even if I going lye down they gonna kick me.
• I can't be myself. I can't have my own opinion, every opinion is done by my mother, I can't say It's bad, but sometimes I don't want to be a robot that does whatever they say with no rights to say "I want" or simply say "no"
• I have no friends because they weren't my actual friends. I always used to be their doll with they can play. They betrayed me, they make fun of me.
• I have nightmares, my past is haunting me. It's made even one scar on my hand.
• If I don't escape this country I will be doomed. When I will be 18 there will be forced conscription that has a problem with "Dedovshchina". People like I don't survive there, in the Russian army, it's not for weak people.
• I tried to suicide, but I never go too far.
• No one even cares about me, most of the people that I know hate me, no one can help me, even I...
• I scared of everything, I can't even write to people online, I just scared of them.
• A lot of transphobes make fun of me almost every day.
• Every day I keep thinking about self-harm. And sometimes I do this.
• Every time I want to do something to help myself there is something that trying to stop me and if I try to avoid that everything will be even worse than before.
• I lost belief in humanity. I don't even sure if it even exists.
• My dysphoria is killing me, but with depression, it feels so bad. I can't look at the mirror.
• My country took last rights from trans people so I can't live here anymore
• I'm useless I can't do anything. I can't draw, I can't even complete even an easy target. I'm so stupid...
• I'm broken and I have no sense to live on. Should I continue?......

So this is a small portion of everything that happened to me. I going to tell you some stories and going to open some of these themes that I listed above. I'll begin with my parents.
When I was 10 years old or less my dad always lost all money in casino on a slot machine. He worked as a guard in the same casino where he lost all money. Once he almost gave away our apartment like that.
Now we running out of money because of coronavirus. He was working at the hotel as a guard. The hotel went bankrupt and we didn't receive payment for 3 months. And he was working not legal there so we were totally dead.
Basically, we trying to survive (4 people) on around $544/month but as I said he loves to lose money so it's looking more like $408/month for 4 people but mainly even less. We need to use them to pay for two apartments that look like very bad, having two bad looking apartments in a bad city doesn't mean we rich. And also we need to pay for an extra apartment where we all live. Sometimes we are being sued for not paying at the right time.
Also, there was a stupid situation so we almost got homeless. My dad's father had our apartment, and so he cheated on my grandmother, who was not even close to me, I never saw her until I was 14 years old and eventually, a child was born, later my dad's father died and their family claimed inheritance, including our apartment, they were also rich and this angered me the most, like why they need our apartment in with we live, but also my mom telling about these problems to me. I was around 10.
The baby is one year old. His Parents: WE NEEAD AN APARTAMENT FOR HIM Because HE iS a bik Boi
We don't even have wallpapers before. Just empty walls actually that place still don't have wallpapers everywhere. Mainly, this was because my dad is lazy he doesn't do anything, he was doing only: Farting on the couch, playing video games on smartphone, annoys everyone, etc. Every hard work was done by my mother and with some of our help (kids)
My dad. He doesn't give a fuck about us. And he always will. He living only for himself and only for himself.
The due first month of quarantine in Russia I was eating only one time per day.
When we had no money, father was god knows where, we can't even live in our house at this moment we lived in grandma house and grandma can't even give money or support us somehow, so mainly we were hungry,
So I hate my dad, but not my mom, she just trying to save us from our dad.
My mom trying to control my life, watching my every step, it continues to my 14 years old, then and for today she just annoys me with asking what I was doing today or who do I write to, etc.
Also, my mom sometimes trying to make suicide, and it's so hard to stop her, she just going to our medkit and start eating every drug. It's terrible.
My mom and my brother love to make fun of me. Trying to annoy me and made me cry. Telling jokes about me, and if I don't act like I don't care, they gonna make fun of me even more.
My mother almost every time very sick. She just sneezed and broken spine or something, she felt so bad, so she crying of pain I asked her for calling to a hospital, but she declines. Every time she looks like she gonna die right now she doesn't want to call for help to the hospital.
Yesterday (6th August) my mom almost set the whole house on fire, by putting a wooden circle on a gas stove and then a big bowl of bad soup, and then after a while, it ignited, and a great column of fire rose and a lot of smoke came out.
My dad drunk at least one time per week. He often loses his items such a phone because he literally can sleep under the fence of some house. He destroyed a lot of things in our house. The fridge still has traces of his punches. Rarely, but he can punch me. He doesn't love me at all, he loves only his second son.
Endless scandals. I don't even know what to say about it. I can't protect anyone anymore when dad is angry.
And things that always with me. Whatever someone does something bad, they told me that it was I. In a time of school it makes me wanna die because the whole class told the teacher that I PUNCH myself, poor bullies, how dare me!
While I was in my classroom due to math lessons, there was break time and I sat in my class since I don't have friends and reasons to go out. And then my classmate ran in class with words that I stole sled of some little kid, then class appears and say that's it's true and we saw you, then the school principal and homeroom teacher appeared and they saying that they got me and me in big trouble but God was on my side in this day and teacher start to debate with them how I can steal something while I'm in school sitting in this classroom! Thankfully she able to approve that they wrong. Actually, this is the first time and last time that someone saved me from hell. But all school already thinks that I stole a sled of little kid.
Also, they love to stalk me to my home and scream that I'm "gay" and "pussy" and other words. When I go downstairs they very often trip me up and then I fall very badly. They also love to hide my clothes so I stay in school for many hours to find my cloth.
I was in school bullies start to say that I miserable, doesn't deserve a feature and many things, but when I can't take it anymore and say something in their side they start to kick me with a crowd, I was laying down, and 4 people just keep kicking me, whole class watch this everyone was happy they said punch harder, kick harder! I think it just like forever.
But at some point it's ended, I can't feel anything, I don't even stand up, I just cried. Then the teacher walks in class and saw me. I think she was thinking "oh no he* is crying again!". Then she said stand up and said go with me, I thought she will finally help me, but I was so wrong. She went with me to high school (I never was in there at this moment), to the headmaster of this school. I sat in her cabinet and she starts to scream at me that everyone got tired of you and you should die we will kick you from school because of your behaviors. I just crying and can't even listen to all the things that she said, I thought I just disappointed my mom. After 1 hour and more of scream at me she said stand up, we gotta go, I asked what do you mean? but don't get a response back. We walked outside with a fire exit door, there was a black tuned car and it has a lot of people inside. At this time I thought I'll die and I start to say sorry for everyone, but mainly for my mother. I thought we gonna ride in the forest because I never saw these places before, the whole road I just praying. No one is speaking. Finally, I saw my house, and parked at the entrance to the entrance (It looks like English doesn't have this word), she said to go out but gives me some document. I slowly walked upstairs, every step I felt worse and worse, and finally, when I was on the 5th floor I ring to door, my mom opened the door I gave her this document and when she asked me "What happened?" I started to cry again and fall on my bed. The document contains something about my expulsion from school. It was my worst day. You can say me, why you can't change school but in a place where I live before, there was only one school.
Is I'm a bad person? I'm always tried to help people and animals if I can.
I stop at least three people and my mother of suicide in real life.. don't sure if this counts...
I destroyed a lot of "columbine" community everywhere I can and trying to help people, change their minds. So I stop many people of suicide and killing everyone in schools.
There was a thing as 'The Groups of Death' most popular was "Blue whale". It was a game in real life where you do some tasks, but then it quickly flows into tasks like "cut your wrist" and so on. The ending of this game is to kill yourself, doesn't matter with way, but mainly it's just jumping from a rooftop. I was horrified about this, so I had an idea to create an anti-group of death called "Pink Flamingo". Everything was fine, I helped a lot of people, make therapy for them, give advice, and at the end of the game you should be alright and happy, there was no real end. But in one day my group was banned from Vkontakte as I remember for this reason: I created a group of death. Bravo, they even block my own page almost permanent, it was hard to restore it, it was a special ban.
I really remember that I made a lot of happy birthday congratulations on things in windows movie maker to everyone... I was 8 years old or less... I always helped grandmothers, carrying their products, or moving them across the road.
Some bullies wanted to kick poor cat to death, I don't let them do that, so they kicked me... BUT hey! I saved a cat!
When I had internet "friends" we had a community, I called it "TeaTown community", we were like a big family, I helped to everyone there, they need something I give it to them and a lot of other things, yes they kinda don't like me because I always want to help everyone and it annoys them. And in one day we built a big city with a 10+ player population and I started this community brick by brick with a new friend (everyone knew them even before I appear there) and in one day after a month of friendship he just asks me to add his friend to private since I don't know him and I was scared of security and for everyone, I said no! They start to scream on me and call me a pussy and such and I add him under this pressure and then they immediately kill me and destroyed my house and storehouse of the city I was broken they even used cheats so I can't fight with them. But it's not all, they told something to all of my friends, and everyone started to hate me and they start to don't trust me. I managed to get a little bit of their trust and I became a part of this community again. I build a church and live in there. I still helped to everyone. But in one day someone busted me, he gives access to church to those two who grief me before and then they destroyed my church, no items survived. I actually have a few footages where they were cheating and griefing. Actually, I showed it to admins. And guess what? I got permanently banned. They bought the admins. The main conflict is very stupid, to solve it I need to apologize for not letting them grief me and don't add them immediately to private. Also one of them always saying something I'm a god and you're nothing.
When I finally realized that I'm transgender, I made a coming out and every friend that I have, even my best friend start to hate me even gay one and it made me feel very bad. A was lone for a month and since I can't find new friends I tried to go back to them. They made a lot of transphobic things like burning the trans flag, mis-pronouns me and everything, but in one day they reach something above of normal, when I died I teleported in a strange place, they made a test lab that I need to pass, they gave me adventure mode, some of them was in spectator mode, my "best friend" was behind glass, they said hello and then look in the chest I saw a pufferfish that named "Trans have no right" they say eat it. I eat it, don't sure why. The next thing was a potion, that I need to drink to be female, but unfortunately, It doesn't work and I got aids, then they give me a wooden pickaxe and said to dig obsidian... 4 blocks of obsidian with a wooden pickaxe, sick bastards! Then there was another room with insane hard parkour. After a while, I passed it and I got into another room where I should choose one of three answers, in fact, some of them were not transphobic like there was a question about Kazahstan with dates. At the end of the quiz, they hide the right answer behind me, so it should make me confused, once it solved I went to the final room. I saw to "dicks" and my best friend said choice dick, sit and die, there was a big black one with racism on a sign that gonna destroy all my organs because it's a big and sticky white one with gonna pull out my guts and made me die. I don't remember what I chose, but it was horrible we was a friend for many years and then they do this? How sad, even my "best friend"
Since that, I don't really have friends anymore.
All my classmates around me in school used drugs and they were very bad and none of them want to be my friend. This why I never had a friend in real life. Everyone in real life was very bad, many of them were in police stations already. Even girls were bad, they drunk too much and engaged in prostitution.
All the people I knew had a boyfriend/girlfriend/whatever at some point, but I never had, so they very shooked when they knew this fact, but I don't think I need that, I don't think I need something, maybe I just don't deserve life. In fact, I don't even sure with sexual orientation is I or do I even want to have someone.
I hate to remember the place where I lived before because of school, memories, and thing like:
I just going to home from school and then from nowhere on a large speed a big van is riding on the sidewalk not even giving any sign. I jumped out at the last moment. It still gives me nightmares.
Or like when someone kicked me in school when I was going downstairs and then when I was going home someone walking far away and scream that I'm "faggot" and other words but then I saw two small dogs. Nothing special, but then huge dogs start to appear from nowhere and I start thinking about going back and find another way to go home, but when I turn my head I realized I already surrounded by huge evil dogs that barked and growled at me and then ran sharply at me. A big crowd of dogs surrounded me and chased me all over the city and I was running for my life, most of these dogs were huge, and I ran from almost 20 dogs. Honestly, I don't know why they can't catch me and where most of them gone when I was pretty close to my home, but it's doesn't matter. Yes and I cried and scream the whole road to home.
Just a typical day of my life. Mainly when I home I'll be saved. But every time I outside. Something bad is going to happen.
Also, teachers called me rude words and lower my grades. Imagine being a kid and the teacher call you a bag of shit that can't do anything.
I was in this place a week ago and I was praying to my mother to not go there, but she starts to say I never coming outside and I should ride or else I can say bye to my laptop. We stuck there for three days we just should be there for one day. We don't even have pillows or blankets. And I meet old school bullies that start to make fun of me one of them even punches me. He called me "faggot" again like in past. It was a nightmare. Everyone hates me there. My little brother hates me because I want to leave this nightmare as fast as I can, but he wants to be there for a longer time. I actually made a wrong thing later.
I wanted to escape and my reason for that was If stay there even more I will kill myself because so many horrifying memories' was there. I just walked to a train station, so basically I escaped from a mom and my little brother. And a bully from school walked to me, I didn't saw him and he said "Fuck you" and then he punches me in a face. Well then since I have no money with me right now (and always), so I have a "perfect" Idea to walk to my city on foot (48KM to the final station and also a long way to the city), but I just walked just one station is about 4km from there and I got already tired, but also at this moment I realize that I don't have keys for the apartment and also I need to go another 10+ stations + another more things I don't think of, so I went back.
The second reason I do so is that my mom and my brother start to make jokes about me and I just can't stand it.
I returned to a nightmare place and we got stuck here. I still feel very bad.
Actually, this isn't a serious escape because in one-day whole class the whole day made fun of me by calling me with bad words, they tripped me, they spat paper at me, and do much more. And the teacher remarked not to them but ME. I wonder why??? Then everything like in a fog. It was the end of the lesson and someone made my cry, I run out of class and saw fire exit, with tears, I very fast open this door and ran out of school, they tried to stop me, they even grab my backpack, but I ran away. So next I was thinking about getting drown or just die in the forest, maybe even of starving to death, but temporarily I hide somewhere and lay down there. It was a very cold autumn. I don't even wear a jacket and I was alone, thinking about suicide and the end of me, I was laying on trash, I even thought about live like a hobo, Because I can't live like that anymore. My mom can't do anything to help me she can't do it to end. So bullies can't get punished because of that. I always was in bruises. Even more, bullies have come up with an offensive nickname for me because of which I want to change my last name. The worst part that this thing also works in English and almost in every country, because this word sounds almost the same even though it writes very differently.
My poor relatives made me feel very sad and bad, but not every one of them. Looking at an old, lonely grandfather it's so heartbreaking, it's so awful to see a poor uncle stricken with a stroke and other can laugh on the situation, it's so wrong... also recently grandfather killed a cat... he put it somewhere and close it... he doesn't even feed it... a week passed... and then he opened a place where he put cat... but it's already almost died... on next day cat just died.....
Well, I don't do anything bad. I always tried to help people. But everything I received from them it just hates and other sad things. Nothing good. Yes, I made bad stuff and I apologize for that. I apologize that I was born. Wow, it hurt so much. I upset my parents. And I will upset them even more.
Teachers say there is no way I saying the truth because I can't always be "White and fluffy". I mean no one even trusts me for some reason. My friends busted me.
I always, every day, for many years keep talking to my parents that I'm going to make suicide, but they say that I don't saw a real-life, I don't live enough, and what kind of troubles you can even have in this age?
My family and other people keep told that my life is not the worst and I can agree. They can say the other one lives is worse than me, you at least have food, water, and a roof overhead, people from Africa are very poor, do you think about them? Yes, often think about poor people and that they need more help than me in fact I'm living very well in their background.
When I was a child I was thinking about writing a book about my life and write it when I will grow up, but now I don't find this idea very good. In fact, it's very stupid. I always feel stupid. Everyone thinks I'm stupid, retarded, or something. And I can kinda agree with them.
And I can't help myself because something will stop me and made feel me even worse and no one can help me. Every time I want to make animation, website, or whatever my programs got crashed, light turn off for the whole house, I lost internet connection, I got lost files or even worse corrupted because it most painful and any possible way to stop me from working that you can imagine.
I know odd people that sometimes can come from nowhere and write something odd. Something about eggs, something about fursuits while why do I in the world even want to know the cost of this? I don't hear you for months and you come back and say interesting how much fursuit is a cost or even "docking", various sort of things. There were only people that I talked with for like 5 months. I feel so terrible. For some things, I feel like I was raped and I don't even kidding.
First of all, I gonna say why I have a time limit, there a lot of reasons for that. I don't sure about what I should begin, but the current status that I'm suffering from Bullies, of my Family, of my Government, and what is going on in my country.
I tried to find transgender friends in Russia, but then I realized that it's an almost impossible challenge since most of them not just dressing and do other staff. Even when I saw an infinite number of almost always gross people I find the right thing, but even there I find bad people. One of them was younger than me he was 15 years old and then after a long conversation he said that he gives jobs to his boyfriend and do such things and send me some images, I try to change his mind, but he doesn't want to listen to me, he just enjoy that. And other transgenders I found were good people, but they weren't sure if they were transgender, but it still better than nothing. They never called me a friend in fact when I asked, they answer that we, not friends. And it broke my heart... I realized that I never had friends.
I scared to start to speak with anyone. When I don't speak everything usually better. So I can't say even a single word.
Almost every night I have a nightmare about someone is trying to catch me and I trying to escape. It could be everything and mainly I ran in deserted places even if there should be a lot of people in them. The alternative ending is the screamer version so I can't even run for a while before screamer, I instantly got caught. Also there another type of dream where I walking on familiar but very changed places, most scary that before it had many people, but since every dream there less and fewer people, and everything got weirder and weirder, so everything change, even more, some building is destroying random big holes that always in random place start appear, world start to less looking to real and more have strange odd colors. I walking alone in an odd and scary world and getting die every time. The third type of dream is when I can't help someone, someone died and everything, recently I have only this type of dream.
I need to notice that I'm MtF transgender. I notice it that late because I still scared. I want to escape from this endless nightmare, start a new life from a blank page, and finally be myself. But looking at others' lives gives me a thing. I can't complain about this. A lot of people living even worse than me.
I never talk to a psychotherapist because I was always scared to know to door or just make an appointment. But it has almost no sense, I'll just break my life forever by visiting a psychotherapist because there's almost no way to apply for a job because no one gonna takes a person who visited a psychotherapist. And most of them transphobes, so they gonna hurt me. The other one can't help me since the government looking for rights from transgenders.
I stuck in a circle of self-harm and writing a suicide note. I don't even strong enough to write this post, it was a nightmare for me. And I need to escape this country as fast as I can, because I can't take it any longer, people like me gonna die there.
I say almost nothing about I got bullied on the internet every day or how my government is worst in the world, I tired and you should know that I don't fully talk even about parents, friendship themes.
I feel like a bug without limbs that can't move and do something. Everyone else can draw, programming, make music, and basically anything else. I can't do anything everything that I made is just awful. My poems, lyrics for songs, my site...
I hate the way I look. I can't look in the mirror. I think I'm fat, I hate my voice, I hate how tall I am, I hate my haircut, I hate that I can't control my life, My face and whole body, The way I talk, The way I write. I want to have HRT and control my life so much.
I can't stand for myself and no one can. I can't help myself and no one can.
Everything I can do is repeatedly dying every day. And trying to not kill me. I didn't do anything to deserve all of this. I didn't do anything wrong.
I forgot to notice that my mom is a transphobe. She said that these people should be in a mental hospital, or better on an island where no one can see them, or even better burn them all!...
I need your help I ask you to find a way to help me! I can't live here anymore, I need to get out.
I don't know what I should do...
Please, help me survive...

I’ve only been playing poker on ignition casino for a week but I’m a long time poker player and this site is definitely rigged. They add bots to their lobby and win with the most absurd run outs (not officially proven). The board pairs on the flop way above average and the turn and river steal away your premium hand and hand it to the schmuck who is cold calling with K6 off suit. I have taken some bad beats.. but way too consistently to ignore the fact that this site is rigged and is stealing away my hands. A bit of a rant but I implore all poker fans to look into other websites. I won’t be spending any more money with ignition (I cannot speak to the other aspects of their casino other than poker).

Hi Redditors!

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I know general bankroll management, I’m not asking about that. But especially as one is climbing stakes, how much of your roll are you willing to keep on the casino/poker website balance (whether it be acr,global,stars, ignition, PokerBros, etc)?
One may grind total bankroll to next stake level, do y’all just start playing those stakes with roll there? Do you withdraw some for safety and then put it back if you lose? Anyone just leave there whole roll on and only withdraw when they want to take income? Curious how different people navigate that. Thanks

So I am new to poker live and online. went to ignition casino and thought I could just get a direct deposit back into my account when I was done with no problems. I saw you have to pay a 100 dollar fee for that or a check... that seems ridiculous. Is my only option bitcoin? also is every online gambling website like this or just ignition/bovada. this feels kinda scammy but I probably should have done some research first too.

Part 8 (has access to parts 1-7 in it)
For some reason it would not post the last day or so.
It is early 2017. I have been carrying on my usual playing 10-20 hours a week to survive. Still lethargic is best term I suppose. I just dont get excited to play anymore. I consider getting a job to remind me how shitty working is so it gives me a kick in the teeth to play poker. Then it dawns on me, I hate playing poker now.
Poker has been tainted. Everything bad that happened to me I can associate with poker. The rise and fall was poker (the fall part). The oxycontin started as a performance enhancer to log more hours. Everything I consider to be wrong in my life I trace back to poker essentially, even if just a butterfly affect reason that had I done something else I wouldnt be here.
Hating poker is not the greatest realization considering its my only means to income outside of grunt labor. I seek a job in a couple places to no avail which was fine, I didnt wanna do that either.
Several months earlier I had started playing on SWC (bitcoin site) and became familiarized with bitcoin. Thought nothing of it, it was just the currency I was winning or losing. I dont read a thing about it, I learn nothing of it. I wasnt playing a ton or even big stakes, my intention for playing online was to just stay sharp in case it ever comes back full fledge. I have 5-6 btc on this site at the most (2-3k) and I flush it playing plo and big o not thinking much of it.
Back to 2017. Its March/April~ of 2017. I am playing cards one night dicking around probably had a couple drinks and was needling the usuals etc. A guy I do not know is in the game. Looks Russian. I bet he interfered in our election... fucking commies. I dont remember how I got to talking to him but crypto had been brought up. I talk about SWC. Tell him I had a few btc but not anymore. The only other thing I remember well from the conversation was bitching about going from an iphone4 (yes I had an iphone4 from 2010-17, the same one. It barely worked. Many oxycontins snorted off the back of that phone, texts dating back to when I got it in 2010) to the 6 or 7 or wtfever I have now, which is bigger and its harder to text and drive. He just responds by saying “first world problems are the worst”. Amen brother, those Africans and Venezuelans have no clue of our struggle.
I end up talking to him a bit and it turns out he mines crypto. Has a website that sells mining equipment. He has a hell of a back story too. I tell him I am interested in mining. I have about 20k to my name at this time and I realized recently that I dont like playing poker so why not? He eventually tells me not to do it. Regardless we become friends and he is ultimately the most important friend I have ever made. I have made more positive strides mentally since meeting him (mostly work ethic, realizations, reality checks and aspirations) As silly as it sounds, when he told me “first world problems are the worst” it stuck with me. He was saying it as a joke but jokes are funniest when true. He is genuinely the smartest guy I have ever associated with also. If you run into him at a poker table youd think he was a high functioning autist. Then you talk to him and go “ohhh hes just one of those Einstein type geniuses”. His hair is usually a mess, he cuts his own hair for or has his girlfriend do it. He wears cheap clothing usually since it all covers your ass or nipples I suppose. He virtually never instigates conversation with people he doesnt know. He is really deliberate with his actions. Talks really calmly and knows exactly what he is saying. He is just on the same level at all times it seems.
Meeting him has definitely changed my life for the better. We become friends pretty quickly. I know I went on a downer after meeting him because I couldnt afford to buy mining stuff and remember wanting to (again, he told me not to do it eventually anyways).
Which will lead me to another good friend to have. Between 2015 and this point in 2017 I have shot myself in the foot not logging hours a couple times. A friend has bailed me out with a loan or short term stake a few times. He is a well off restaurant owner who loves poker more than just about anything not related to him. Every time I see him we talk about hands he played and he just eats it up, has photographic memory and never butchers a hand history which is nice. He is as good hearted of a guy as I have ever met. (Sorry if this is getting long winded giving praise to people close to me, I intend on sharing with a few people and would like them to know what they mean to me as corny as that is because I suck at doing it in real life. Plus it is kinda gay to get mushy sounding in real life, but I digress. Theyve heard virtually none of the content of this whole thread either, a ton of this stuff I have never shared) In fact he is too kind hearted. He has helped people who wouldnt piss on him if he was on fire, and people have burned him on many occasions. My only complaint about this person is he never kicked my ass and told me to log more hours or fuck off. I needed it. If I just logged hours I wouldnt need the help. Its as simple as that. I have no leaks other than the unwillingness to play (leaks as in drugs/pit games/strippers/wtf ever else) and it has hindered me immensely over the these last couple years. (Ok I do have one embarrassing leak that has been fixed for a year and change, mobile games... I have spent like 30,000$ on mobile games between late 2016 and late 2018, Lords Mobile specifically clocked me for 20k. This definitely hindered my ability to build a roll and got me into a few jams. When youre not logging hours playing youre sitting around gaming and these games arent cheap obviously)
It is around May now and my friend who messes with crypto tells me that Bitcoin is going to 10,000$. Its like 800$ at the time iirc. I own a couple from Ignition cashouts. I kind of trust him. I cant argue him on it as I have literally no mental fortitude on the subject, but I essentially shrug it off. I start watching the price on poloniex and am watching prices jump like crazy. Light bulb in head! I can buy the dips sell the peaks and have more BTC! Lets load the 2.5btc I have onto poloniex! Sell peak but it keeps climbing... “FUCK! gotta get it back before it goes to 10k! Whew. Still have 2.45 BTC. FUCK! Its dropping! Get it out before it goes to zero!”
Yea I turned that 2.5 BTC into .4 BTC. No joke. I think I ended up throwing it onto SWC and losing it once it was almost gone. I honestly forget. I had nothing when it finally hit 20k other than some shit alts worth about 800$ at most (worth 35$ now but they still reside in my locked poloniex account, maybe I will give poloniex my ID if they ever become worth more than 1k)
So I am now annoyed I didnt turn every free dollar I had into BTC. I didnt trust the guy enough and to be fair I would have been using the money I play with. Had I met the guy a year earlier (know what I know of him now) I would probably have just locked it all up and sat around waiting.
I never really get my act together in 2017. I continuously log just enough hours to get by. I just dont care. I just want a way out of this. I catch myself saying “I hate playing poker” and sometime around the end of 17 or early 2018 I start trying to censor myself and quit saying that. Saying it will only make it fester deeper. I have to retrain myself to love poker. I remember the days of playing 18-24 hours straight because I love playing. I love watching for everything I can find to get an edge. I love a situation to present itself where I can step out of line. But now I just sit down and count the minutes before I can tell myself “way to go! You put in an 8 hour shift lets pack it in!” I leave good games often times. I celebrate when games break. This is where I am mentally while I play. I cant break out of it.
Late in 2017 a close friend of mine passes away. Will call him J. He was the guy who gave me a place to stay after the shutdown in Joplin. I was still doing oxy and he never once touched the stuff knowing what has happened to me. He doesnt judge me, he is somewhat of an enabler I suppose. He just drinks does shitty coke sometimes and has a script of adderol and xanax. Literally never once does he do any with me (ive warned him xanax and opiates will kill you if you mix, which is likely part of the reason he never did it) He was a marginal poker player (relative to modern game, he was just good enough to beat the rake live but he had too many pit leaks) and took great pride in being my friend (I was the slayer in the area for years leading up to this, anyone considered the best in their area can relate, you just have the respect of the local poker community). One of my earlier live poker memories involved him. I am like 18 or 19 playing a 1-2 game at a small casino and he was there with a friend. They were the good players in the game at the time. They were having a few drinks eating nice food and laughing having a good time. I remember thinking that I want this lifestyle. Care free gambling fast paced lifestyle. I had told him this story years later and he just ate it up, constantly tried to get me to rebound, but as I have stated many many times in the last few of these I have basically waved my white flag and accepted the result of my fall.
Anyhow after living with him we always talk every few months at minimal and have something to eat when we see each other at the casino. He was somewhat disingenuous sounding he was so nice and honestly it got to a point it started rubbing me the wrong way. I still talk to him of course but less frequently. In December of 2017 I get a phone call from my friend who owns the restaurant and he is distraught. He has been at the hospital and J has passed away. The back story on this is he had gotten a phone call from old friend who was getting out of prison in Arizona with no where to go (a female). J being as nice a guy as he is drives the 20+ hours to get her and gives her a place to stay. Well shes a junky and actually convinces J to do opiates/heroin. He overdoses and dies. I hadnt talked to him in a few months. I regret it. Had I known I would have beaten him senseless and got him to quit before things actually get bad.
Going to his funeral hit me up side the head too. The way I started feeling he was disingenuous just got destroyed. I cant fathom as many people showing up to my funeral with as nice of things to say. I wrote something to say but opt out after a few people say everything I had written (except better). I regret not saying them anyways. I think I still have what I wrote tucked away with the card and his money clip that made its way to me. I stumbled across his casino players card in a box one day and it resides in my wallet ever since. This was the first close friend that has passed away in my life, knock on wood. It woke me up a bit and caused a lot of self reflection because I felt I had let him down. I lived a few miles from him and didnt drop in to see him, didnt stay in contact as well as I should have. All because I felt he was disingenuously nice when he was actually just nice, which is actually because I am a cynical hermit who hates social life these days. That was the real reason I didnt stay closer. Him being too nice was just my excuse to blow him off essentially.
Only other thing I can add is that chick he helped out didnt even go to his funeral and on top of that had tried to take his truck and clean his house out. Junkies are the worst. I was a junky but I proudly say I never robbed anyone or cost anyone anything other than emotional distress, which isnt much of a brag obviously.
2018 starts and I have been decreasing my methadone every week for about 3-4 months now. I am on a low dose. Makes sleeping at night hard (get restless legs and sneezy). So I am having a few drinks any time I am at the casino playing (still just two days a week for the most part) to help get through those late night sessions when its worn off and I feel crummy. I get down to 15mg then 10mg and in March of 2018 I get asked if I wanna work for a week with my crypto friend. His friend is setting up a farm with 500 miners and needs help. I agree. The pay is in excess of the work (in my opinion) at 3k and I have no expenses, but I dont argue obviously. Before we leave town I have to pick up my week of methadone (at 4mg now) and so I do that. I never take any of them, I have the box still. Never opened it. They remain at my apartment as a reminder, the box carrying the 6 doses and a stack of receipts for every 75$ week that I kept in the box, several years worth, at least 9-10k worth of receipts, and that shits CHEAP compared to oxy. So I am finally off of opiates. I take kratom still but its essentially non addictive in comparison. Ill cede that I am reliant on kratom but if it disappeared tomorrow I wouldnt panic, I would be fine.
So I fly to Denver with my friend and meet his friends half brother who was instructed to rent a box truck and the three of us were to drive from Denver to Washington carrying like half a million dollars worth of hardware. Its early March, the roads arent exactly great. Half brother of his friend rents a truck with no middle seat though. Its absolutely miserable. Whoever sat middle was sitting like a fem boy legs closed and knees up high from the drive shaft hump. It was un fucking real how uncomfortable the middle was. So like I stated the roads were not great, we drove on ice for 5-6 hours straight (while my crypto friend did about 30 minutes of it before I decided I value my life and banned him from driving, he was literally doing over 70 on this ice sheet when I checked the gauge. I forget what he said, I will fail to make it sound as good but he said that he is protected and can not die, if we wreck he wont get hurt because of some universe stipulation that protects him. He said we would get hurt but he wouldnt. *** Ok here is what he said.
“quantum immortality. if i die in this universe, my conciousness will shift to others where i am still alive”
He just couldnt assure us ours would.
I end up driving like 18 of the 24 (one shot) hours it took as letting crypto friend drive was out. We make it set up a farm over a couple days then we go to Vegas. Not only do we go to Vegas but we fly a private jet. Not only do we take a private jet but his buddy has all four of us our own room at the Bellagio for 5-6 days. I remember having a 4500$ win at Bellagios 500$ cap 2-5 game... ran pretty salty. I only remember one hand worth bringing up, but I closed action and called 400$ pre with 67o with 3 others all in. Just flop 77X and send me the money. (Was drinking, gamble gamble). I cold called that also, some fish had opened massive and a 300$ stack just ripped a 400$ stack rejammed and I had called out of bb knowing fish will call off his 400~. This is actually a leak I have in poker. I will go over it because it has history.
Dating back to online my biggest leak was playing vs short stacks. Everyones biggest leak obv (6m setting). There were a few min buyers on Carbon and I got to the point I put them in pre every time they opened my bb from button, so long as they opened 75%+ from button or close to it. This has carried with me live, if I can gamble 3-4 ways (4 specifically) I will basically do it any time its 100bb~ or less with about 40% of hands if I can close action safely. I am a bit of a degenerate in this sense. I will flip for 1k if I have 10k to my name. It mostly came as a way to loosen up tables (the flipping blind preflop) at my local casino with players who give action. I am pretty snug in general but I cant refuse a flip when it presents itself and I cant refuse a fun gamble with short stacks.
I spend the month in Vegas during WSOP and run absurdly bad. Lose every big pot I play it seems. Switch to PLO the last half of the month and go a week straight without tripling my buy in up at any point. Just insane. Looking back I play rather poorly in PLO. I have been spoiled with my PLO games back home (which have been dead for about a year) and could get away with playing 50% of hands and no one ever bet big draws or anything not the nuts basically. I didnt adjust at all is what the issue was. Was just a frustrating month.
So I return and take a stake from a friend. I barely play still. Same ole same ole.
The last thing I will cover for this section is an incident late in 2018. One of the girls who is the floor at my local casino takes kratom also, we talk about it a fair amount. She has some 10mg percocets (mini oxycontins essentially) she gives me two of them. I havent had one in several years. I have been off methadone for 6-8 months at the time. I am eager to feel what I felt all those years ago, having no tolerance. So I take them home even though I know I shouldnt.
I get home and take both of them. What transpires is almost depressing. It frustrates me to no end that I realized that I have no desire for these. It affirms that all the money I flushed wasnt about the high, it was about the not withdrawing. I basically stated this in an earlier post but this is the event that I learned this from. I dont even enjoy it. I just sink knowing that I gave my life away for these. I have never recovered thanks to pain killers. Never once after 2011 have I ever looked in the mirror and said “finally, I have finally recovered what I fucked off”.
I am going to finish this thread off on the next post most likely. It will likely be long and take me a while to compose as it will cover my current year, and put a bow on it. The story basically climaxes a couple posts back, these surely have slowly lost their luster but I will finish them anyways. Nothing exciting about hearing about a guy who can beat games but wont sit in the chair to do it. Its a bit more upbeat in 2019 though andd I feel my future is bright and redemption nears though. I dont think I would have written these if not for a change of mentality recently, so look forward to a positive summary next post.

With the remaster of Burnout Paradise release soon and worked on by Criterion and Stellar Entertainment (see Paul Ross for details on that company) I thought it might be fun to make a thread and track down the devs. If you want some additional reading about Burnout, Three Fields released a history about how it started in January.
For a quick summary, Criterion was originally a 3d graphics rendering technology company owned by Canon. It was spun out and became the “modern” Criterion Games in 1999/2000. In 2004 it was purchased by EA.
Most info/quotes are from company websites and LinkedIn. Now, this thread is long enough already, so let’s get started (this thread is long enough that I’ll have to go into the comments to finish the thread.
Fiona Sperry worked as EA Criterion Studio GM. Sperry helped form the modern Criterion Games and previously worked at McGraw-Hill. In 2014 she left and co-founded Three Fields Entertainment.
Alex Ward worked as creative director. Ward helped form the modern Criterion Games and previously worked at Acclaim. He continued to work at Criterion until 2014 (including a unreleased game codenamed “Adventure”) when he co-founded Three Fields Entertainment.
Peter Hawley worked as executive producer. Hawley previously worked at companies including Lionhead (where he was one of the first employees) and Sony. He joined Criterion in late 2005 and in 2009 became vice president of product development at EA. In 2010 he joined Crowdstar before co-founding Red Robot Labs in 2011, where he worked at CPO and later CEO until 2014. He next joined Zynga before coming CEO of Telltale Games in September 2017.
Craig Sullivan worked as lead designer. Sullivan joined Criterion in 1997 and was the first game designer for the studio. He previously worked at Millenium Interactive as a designetester. In 2009 he became creative director at the company before joining Ghost Games in 2013. Sullivan left Ghost Games at the end of 2016, and in May 2017 joined Amazon.
Jon Lawrence worked as senior development director. Lawrence joined EA in 1998 and worked on series including Harry Potter, F1 and Black. In 2012 Lawrence left to work at Sky before returning to EA shortly in 2013. Later that year Lawrence joined Microsoft as development director, and worked on Warface. In 2015 he joined Natural Motion before joining Digit Game Studios in 2017 as director of production.
Steve Uphill worked as art director. Uphill previously worked at Kuju Entertainment before joining Criterion in 2002. In 2008 Uphill left Criterion and joined Black Rock Studio to work as art director on Split/Second. In 2011 he co-founded ShortRound Games where he worked as art director. In 2016 Uphill returned to Criterion and is currently studio art director.
Stephen Root worked as audio director. Root worked at Acclaim for five years as head of audio before joining Criterion in 2000. In 2008 Root left Criterion and joined Codemasters, where he is currently VP of development creative services.
Olly Read worked as a technical director. Read joined Criterion in 1999 and worked at the company until 2011. In 2012 Read started work as a “game programming ninja” at Escapist Games.
Paul Ross worked as a technical director. Ross joined Criterion in 1996 and worked as CTO before leaving in 2014. He next worked at Three Fields Entertainment before leaving in 2016. Ross next founded Stellar Entertainment in 2016, which is making Burnout Paradise Remastered.
Pete Lake worked as a producer. Lake worked as an artist for early Criterion games before starting production on Paradise. In 2010 Lake worked as a producer for Harry Potter and The Sims. In 2013 he returned to Criterion.
San Shepherd worked as a producer. Shepherd previously worked at EA and Pyro Studios before rejoining EA in 2006. Near the end of 2008 Shepherd left and in 2009 joined Zero Point Software as a board member. At the same time, Shepherd co-founded Escapist Games and became director for European Construction Company. Since 1990 Shepherd has also been director of Citilet Booking, and in 1997 founded The Copenhagen Post, where he worked as CEO for five years. He also produced weekly music shows for Danish TV in the 90s.
Matt Webster worked as a producer. Webster joined EA in 1990 and worked on games including Syndicate, Theme Park and Populous II. He also created the initial concept for the first Fifa game and associate produced the game. After EA purchased Criterion Webster joined the company as producer. In 2013 he became GM of Criterion.
Hamish Young worked as a producer. Young joined Criterion in 1999 and had worked as a technical director and a lead programmer on previous Burnout games. Young continued to work at Criterion until 2013, when he joined Avalanche Studios (for quick reference this is the Just Cause studio, not the Disney Infinity one) where he works as a designer.
Steve Cuss worked as a development manager. Cuss worked at IBM and Intelligent Games before joining EA in 2003. Since 2005 Cuss has worked as a producer for Criterion.
Helen King worked as a development manager. King joined Criterion in 2006 but left in 2009 and joined Codemasters, where they worked on Bodycount. After leaving in 2011 King joined Deepmind in 2012, which was later bought by Google.
Radek Majder worked as a development manager. Majder previously worked at companies like Plastic Wax, Forte Studios and Perception before joining EA in 2006. Majder worked as development director at EA until 2013. In 2014 they joined BBC where they worked until 2017. They are currently head of development management at Mclaren Applied Technology.
Alan McDairmant worked as a development manager. McDairmant previously worked at Inner Workings, Data Design & Artwork, Red Lemon Studios and Visual Science before joining Criterion in 2005. McDairmant continues to work at EA/Criterion and most recently has worked as a director of product development/studio leadership on games such as Battlefront 2, Battlefield 1 and Need for Speed.
Dan McDonald worked as a development manager. McDonald previously worked in QA on series like Burnout, Harry Potter and Populous. McDonald did interviews for Burnout Crash and seemingly left Criterion afterwards. He was credited as a production manager for Until Dawn in 2015.
Sheri Patterson worked as a development manager. Patterson previously worked at Pixar (on the Incredibles, Finding Nemo and Boundin’), Blue Sky and Charlex before joining Criterion in 2006. In 2008 she left and worked as a producer for various companies including DreamWorks and Disney (on Frozen). Patterson also worked with companies including Apple, Google and Land Rover.
Cath Schell worked as production coordinator. Schell first appeared in Criterion credits in 2002, and is still with the company. She posts a lot of mushrooms.
Charnjit Bansi worked as a designer. Bansi previously worked at Codemasters before joining Criterion in 2005. In 2009 Bansi joined Bizarre Creations as a/the game director (Activision doesn’t tend to give detailed credits so I can’t tell if Bansi was the only person with the role). After consulting for a month in 2011 at Neversoft Bansi joined Sledgehammer Games as a/the development director.
Richard Bunn worked as a designer. Bunn previously worked in QA at Sony and as a level designer at Argonaut before joining Criterion in 2004. Bunn worked on the design of the “open-world traffic system, vehicle A.I. behaviours and the Crash Mode gameplay,” for the game. After leaving Criterion in 2007 Bunn rejoined Sony where he worked for three years on the original version of Until Dawn and the canceled Eight Days. After leaving in 2011, Bunn has worked at Mindshapes, Nice Touch and most recently Aceviral.
Matt Follett worked as a designer. Follett joined EA in 1999 working in QA and design. He joined Criterion in 2008 after working on previous Burnout games, and worked on algorithms and scripting for Paradise along with the PC version. Follett later became a lead at Criterion before leaving in 2014. Since then he has worked for Boss Alien.
Paul Glancey worked as a designer. Glancey previously worked as an editor for games magazines in the late 80s/early 90s before joining Eidos in 1998. He joined EA in 2000 before leaving in 2008. He next worked as design director on Split/Second before joining Ubisoft in 2010. In 2012 Glancey returned to Criterion.
Tommy Hudson worked as a designer. Hudson joined Criterion in 2005 and worked at the company until the end of 2010. Hudson next joined DICE where they worked on Battlefield. In 2013 Hudson joined Remedy and worked on Quantum Break. They are currently lead designer on a new game at Remedy.
Oliver Reid-Smith worked as a designer. Reid-Smith joined Criterion in 2004 before leaving in 2010. They worked as a lead designer on Split/Second before becoming a freelance consultant in 2012. Reid-Smith has worked on games including The Room, Disney Infinity and Blackwood Crossing.
Steve Watt worked as a designer. Watt joined EA in 2004 and worked as lead online designer. In 2008 Watt left and joined Codemasters where they worked as lead designer. After the closure of the Guildford studio in 2011, Watt did some freelance in 2012. Later that year, Watt joined Microsoft.
Ben Earnshaw worked as a level designer. Earnshaw worked on AI and planned race routes for the game, before leaving at the end of 2007. He next joined Dark Energy Digital as a designer on Hydrophobia. In 2010 Earnshaw left the gaming industry and joined his family’s woodworking company.
Mata Haggis worked as a level designer. Haggis previously worked at Channel 4 and MTV before joining Criterion for 2007. Haggis worked on building the world and make it seem believable. In 2008 he joined Rebellion where he worked as a designer on Alien vs Predator and PDC World Championship Darts Pro Tour. After leaving Rebellion in 2010 Haggis lectured at NHTV for five years before becoming a professor. From 2013 to 2016 he worked with Sassybot freelance, and since 2000 has worked as a game designer with Matazone.
Dave Sage worked as a level designer. Sage joined Criterion in 2007 after short work lecturing. In 2008 Sage left and joined Codemasters, where he worked until 2011. Since then Sage has worked for various groups teaching, and currently is general manager of a cafe/bicycling company.
Jason RM Smith worked as associate CG supervisor. Smith joined EA in 1998 and worked at Bullfrog and EA UK before joining Criterion. At the end of 2007 Smith left and joined Lucasarts where he worked on The Force Unleashed, 1313 and other games. When Lucasarts closed Smith co-founded Soma Play where he worked until 2017. He currently is a creative consultant.
Richard Franke worked as a lead artist. Franke worked as an artist for Scavenger and Mucky Foot before joining EA in 2002. At the end of year Franke joined Criterion, where he worked until 2012. After leaving Franke founded Magic Notion where he has made games and worked as a contract artist for Media Molecule.
Mark Hamilton worked as a lead artist. In 2008 Hamilton left Criterion and co-founded Fireproof Games.
John Lewis worked as a lead artist. Lewis worked as an artist at ICE, DA Group and Bits Studios before joining Criterion in 2005. In 2012 Lewis left and joined Codemasters. Lewis is currently art director at the studio.
James Lipscomb worked as a lead artist. Lipscomb worked at Line One, Red Hot Chilli and Orange Crush before joining EA in 2002. In 2009 Lipscomb left and joined Disney where he worked on Split/Second. At the end of 2011 Lipscomb joined Lucasarts where he worked until the company’s closure. After that he worked at Rumble, Gaia Interactive and Linekong working in UI and UX. He is currently director of UX at pocket gems.
Neil Manners worked as a lead artist. Manners seems to have joined Criterion in the mid-90s. He seems to still be at EA, last working as a senior animator on Need for Speed Payback.
Barry Meade worked as a lead artist. Meade joined the studio in 2003 after working at PCSL, Bullfrog, Scavenger, Negative Productions, Mucky Foot and Iguana. Meade worked mostly on the lighting for Paradise. In 2008 Meade left Criterion and helped found Fireproof Games, where he currently works.
Yuta Nakamura worked as a lead artist. Nakamura worked for Video Systems before joining EA in 2001. Nakamura went on to work as a art director on Need for Speed games before joining DICE in 2016.
David Rack worked as a lead artist. Rack joined Criterion in 2003 and worked at Criterion until 2008. After leaving Rack co-founded Fireproof Games, where he is currently a lead artist.
Damien Rayfield worked as a lead artist. Rayfield worked at Rebellion before joining Criterion in 2004. In 2008 Rayfield left and co-founded Fireproof Games.
Roger Schembri worked as a lead artist. Schembri worked as a graphic designer before joining Criterion in 2004. Schembri worked on UI before leaving in 2008 to work as a lead UI artist at Codemasters. At the end of 2010 Schembri left and joined Fireproof Games.
Chris Cannon worked as an artist. Cannon joined Criterion in 2005 after animating and storyboarding for various companies. In 2008 Cannon left and co-founded Fireproof Games, where he is a lead designer.
Max Cant worked as an artist. Cant joined Criterion in 2005 and worked as an environmental lead. In 2008 Cant left and joined Codemasters as an art director. After leaving Codemasters in 2011, Cant worked for six months at both Koyoki and Vatra Games. At the end of 2012 Cant joined Deepmind, which was later bought by Google.
Tony Cartwright worked as an artist. Cartwright “worked for a several game companies, some that he would prefer not to mention, working on titles that he’d also prefer not to mention.” (mostly movie tie-ins) before joining Criterion. In 2008 Cartwright left and co-founded Fireproof Games, where he is currently a lead artist.
Ingmar Clarysse worked as an artist. Clarysse worked at Larian and Argonaut before joining EA in 2004 as a VFX artist. In 2008 Clarysse left and joined Rocksteady Games, where he works as lead on VFX on the Arkham series.
Will Evans worked as an artist. Evans worked at Teletext before joining Criterion in 2005. In 2009 Evans joined Codemasters before joining Supermassive Games in 2010. After leaving in 2014 and working for 9 months at Rodeo Games, Evans co-founded Playsport Games in 2015.
Dave Flynn worked as an artist. Flynn joined the games industry in 1991 working at Storm Education Software. Flynn also worked at Oregan Software, The Automotive Association and Interactive Studios/Blitz Games (including work on Glover) as well as co-founding Paradise Games. In 2003 Flynn joined Criterion before leaving in 2008 and joining Slightly Mad Studios.
Nicole Gabriel worked as an artist. Gabriel worked as a 3D modeler for various architecture groups before joining EA in 2005. Gabriel worked on the art for Paradise City before leaving in 2009 to work as a freelance artist.
Derek Germain worked as an artist. Germain worked at Bits Studio before joining EA in 2005 as an environmental artist. In 2009 Germain left before joining Slightly Mad Studios as a snr artist. In 2011 Germain left and joined FIreproof Games, where he is a senior artist.
Jack Griffin worked as an artist. Griffin joined Criterion in 2005 before moving into management in 2012. Griffin is currently development direction at the company.
Ben Hall worked as an artist. Hall joined Criterion in 2005. On Paradise he worked on vehicles and later the environment. Hall moved into world design for later Criterion games before becoming lead. In 2013 Hall moved to Ghost Games for five months before working on Battlefield Hardline as an artist for seven months. In 2014 Hall joined Ubisoft where he worked as a level designer on Assassin’s Creed Syndicate. He is currently working as world director on an unannounced game from Ubisoft Quebec.
James Hans worked as an artist. Hans ran Infinite Detail before joining Criterion in 2001. In 2011 Hans became a producer at Criterion before leaving in 2014. Since leaving, Hans has worked as an artist/producer at Natural Motion.
Scott Harber worked as an artist. Harber joined Criterion in 2003 and worked as a technical artist on Paradise. In 2013 Harber worked for a year as technical art director on an unannounced EA game before working on Battlefield Hardline. In 2014 Harber left and started Sc0tt Games which he ran for a year before joining Natural Motion as lead technical artist.
Young Jin Park worked as an artist. I’m unable to find additional information about what Park did (they are credited on Black and Burnout Dominator, but their Mobygames page is mixed with another person with the same name).
Jin Jung worked as an artist. They were last credited with Hot Pursuit, but I’m unable to find any additional information.
Quyen Lam worked as an artist. Lam worked shortly at La Paraguas and Axis Animation before joining Criterion in 2005. In 2008 Lam left and joined Ubisoft, where he worked on Driver: San Francisco. After a short three months at Slightly Mad, Lam joined Rockstar as an environmental artist in 2010.
Kwok Law worked as an artist. Law previously worked on films and television like Harry Potter before joining Criterion in 2005 as a level artist. In 2008 Law left and joined Doublesix Games, where he was a seniolead artist. In 2012 Law left and joined Born Ready before joining Digicub nine months later. In 2013 he co-founded Polynation Games until 2016, when he founded Massive Kwok.
Steve Leney worked as an artist. Leney worked at Mindscape for most of the 90s before joining EA in 1998. In 2008 Leney left and joined Relentless Software, where he worked until 2016. Since leaving Leney has worked as an artist at Make Real.
Mikael Mettania worked as an artist. Mettania worked at Atari and Eutechnyx before joining Criterion in 2005. He worked as a senior vehicle artist on Paradise and a world artist on the DLC. In 2013 Mettania moved over to Ghost Games for seven months before joining Natural Motion as art director in 2014.
Lyndon Munt worked as an artist. In college, Munt worked on Driv3r before joining Criterion in 2004. In 2010 Munt left and joined Fireproof Games, where he is currently a senior artist.
Ben Murch worked as an artist. Murch previously worked at Rebellion before joining Criterion in 2005. In 2007 Murch left and joined Codemasters as a senior artist. In 2010 Murch co-founded Rodeo Games. In 2016 he co-founded Perchang.
Adriaan Pottas worked as an artist. Pottas previously worked at Three Blind Mice and Indestructible Productions before joining EA in 2005. In 2009 Pottas left and worked for a year at Ignition London as a senior artist. Since 2010 Pottas has lectured at Southampton Solent University.
Richard Thomassen worked as an artist. Thomassen worked at Psygnosis for a year before joining Criterion in 1998. In 2013 Thomassen moved to Ghost Games before returning to Criterion the following year.
Marcus Wainwright worked as an artist. Wainwright worked for a year at Rebellion and joined Criterion in 2005. At the end of 2008 Wainwright left and soon joined Codemasters, where he worked until the start of 2012. After a year at Climax Wainwright joined Deepmind in 2013, and is currently a senior technical artist.
Chris Walley worked as an artist. Walley previously worked at Revolution Software before joining Criterion in 2001. On Paradise Walley was lead previs artist. In 2008 Walley left and became director at Escapist Games.
Sam White worked as an artist. White joined EA in 2005 and worked as a graphic designer and GUI artist. In 2009 White left and joined Supermassive Games as an interface artist. In 2015 White left and became director at Playsport Games.
Iain Angus worked as a lead programmer. Angus was an intern at APR Smartlogik before joining Criterion in 2002. In 2011 Angus left and joined VLI before joining Konami in 2013. In 2015 he joined Lionhead until its closure in 2016. He currently works as a development manager at Creative Assembly.
Chris Cummings worked as a lead programmer. Cummings previously worked at Eutechnyx before joining Criterion in 2004. In 2009 he left and joined joined Media Molecule. In 2015 Cummings spent a year at Hello Games working as a programmer on No Man’s Sky before joining Happy Robot Games and Future Tech Labs in 2016.
Alex Fry worked as a lead programmer. Fry joined Criterion after college and worked on rendering. Sometime in the last few years Fry moved over to EA Guildford and currently works on rendering for Frostbite. If you want to learn more, Fry did an interview with EA
Andy Hubbard worked as a lead programmer. Hubbard joined Criterion in 2004 working on physics. In 2008 Hubbard joined Black Rock Studios to work on Split/Second before becoming director of ShortRound in 2011.
Mark Huntley worked as a lead programmer. Huntley worked at Bullfrog from 1993 to 2000 before joining EA. After some Harry Potter games Huntley worked on Paradise. At the end of 2010 he left EA and in 2011 joined Codemasters as a lead programmetechnical director on for online. In 2013 he moved to Lionhead where he worked until the company’s closure. Since then he has worked as a technical program manager at Highlight - See Clearly.
Steve Lucas worked as a lead programmer. Lucas worked at IBM for around a year before joining Criterion in 1998. In 2013 Lucas moved to Canada and became a technical director at EA.
Toby Nelson worked as a lead programmer. I’m unable to find out much info about Nelson. Their first game as part of Criterion was AirBlade and they directed Burnout Crash.
Tad Swift worked as a lead programmer. Swift worked for about a decade in programming/consultation before studying games programming in 2003 and 2004. Swift joined Criterion in 2005 as a junior programmer before becoming lead VFX programmer for Black and Paradise. Swift next went into core engine technologies before leaving in 2013 to join Lionhead. Swift worked as a lead programmer for Fable Legends before joining the Microsoft Advanced Technology Group as a senior software engineer.
Rajan Tande worked as a lead programmer. Tande joined EA in 1996 and in 1999 became a lead programmer. After two years as technical director for Harry Potter, Tande joined the Burnout team in 2006. After Paradise, Tande moved over to EA Bright Light where he worked until its closure in late 2011. He next moved to Maxis Emeryville in California where he worked until its closure in 2015. Since then, he has been CTO at Magic Fuel Games.
John Twigg worked as a lead programmer. Twigg previously worked at EA Black Box before joining Criterion in 2006. Twigg led the design of the audio software for Paradise before leaving in 2008 to joining BNP Paribas. In 2010 he co-founded Crankcase Audio and has worked for a year or so at companies including United Front Games, Snowball (which he co-founded) and Credit Karma.
David Addis worked as a programmer. Addis worked at Codemasters for a year before joining EA in 2005. On Paradise Addis worked on the HUD and refactoring the system. In 2008 he left and joined Lionhead where he worked until 2012. Since 2013 he has worked as lead UI programmer at Natural Motion. Since 2010 he has also run ESP Games.
Mark Baker worked as a programmer. Baker worked at Sony, Metrowerks, Mucky Foot and Climax before joining Criterion in 2005. Baker worked on tools and workflow for Paradise before leaving in 2008 and joining NCSoft for five months. Later in 2008 he joined Black Rock Studio and worked as a lead programmer on Split/Second. In 2011 Baker joined Mind Candy before returning to EA in 2015 as a technical director for development release engineering.
Peter Bliss worked as a programmer. I’m unable to find much information about Bliss but they seem to still be at Criterion.
Garry Casey worked as a programmer. Casey joined Criterion in 2006. At some point Casey moved over to Ghost Games and last worked as online lead on Need for Speed Payback.
Rob Cowsill worked as a programmer. I’m unable to find much information about Cowsill but it seems like they joined Rebellion in 2009 any maybe currently works at Force Field.
Ken Cropper worked as a programmer. Cropper is still at Criterion, and is currently director of engineering.
Antony Crowther worked as a programmer. Crowther joined the games industry in 1983 and worked at Aligata Software, Mirror Soft, Mindscape, Gremlin Interactive, Infogrames and Genepool before joining EA in 2004. In 2006 Crowther moved to Criterion for a year before returning to EA. Since 2011 Crowther has worked as a technical consultant at Sumo Digital.
Graham Daniell worked as a programmer. I was unable to find much information about Daniell but they seem to be at Rocksteady.
Robert Dodd worked as a programmer. Dodd previously worked at Codemasters before joining Criterion in 2005. In 2008 Dodd joined Supermassive before becoming technical director at Fireproof Games in 2011.
Jon Evripiotis worked as a programmer. Evripiotis worked at Travellers Tales before joining Criterion in 2005. In 2008 he joined Bloomberg as a software engineer.
Martiño Figueroa worked as a programmer. Figueroa joined Criterion in 2005 and worked as an AI and gameplay programmer for Paradise. In 2011 Figueroa left and worked at The Foundry for 10 months before co-founding and becoming director of JFDP Labs in 2012. Since 2015 Figueroa has been director of Madruga Works which released Planetbase.
Rich Geldard worked as a programmer. Geldard joined Criterion in in 2005 and is still with the company as technical director.
Joseph Goodwin worked as a programmer. Goodwin joined Criterion in 2006 and worked on tools, UI and localization for Paradise. Goodwin is still at Criterion as a software engineer.
André Jacobs worked as a programmer. Jacobs previously worked at Fifth Dimensional Technologies, Adreniware, I-Imagine and Climax before joining Criterion in 2006. Jacobs worked on the traffic system for Paradise which was later used in Criterion Need for Speed games. In 2008 he joined Lionhead before joining Bloomberg in 2010. In 2012 Jacobs became lead programmer at Medopad before leaving in 2015 and working a year at ICSA. Since 2010 he has also run Voxel Beast.
Matthew Jones worked as a programmer. Jones previously worked at Terabyte and Infogrames/Atari before joining Criterion in 2006. In 2013 Jones left Criterion and worked JFDP Labs on contract while being self employed. In 2015 he joined Microsoft as a senior software engineer in rendering.
Ian Lambert worked as a programmer. Lambert is still part of Criterion and works on UI and UX.
Ling Lo worked as a programmer. Lo worked out Logica, Coment, Argonaut and Symbian before joining EA in 2005. Lo worked on tools and build for Paradise before moving to Vancouver in 2008 to work with EA Black Box. In 2012 Lo moved to Burnaby and has worked as lead online engineer for the Garden Warfare series.
Phil Maguire worked as a programmer. Maguire joined Criterion in 2005 and worked on Freeburn Challenges, Mugshots and Road Rules for Paradise. After working on autolog and multiplayer for Need for Speed games Maguire because technical director of Criterion in 2013. In 2014 he left and help found Three Fields Entertainment.
Alex Mole worked as a programmer. Mole joined Criterion in 2005 and was lead online programmer for autolog. Mole is currently technical director of Criterion. In 2016 Mole gave a talk at GDC.
Robert Perren worked as a programmer. Perren joined Criterion in 2005 before becoming lead tools and workflow programmer in 2012 at Criterion/Ghost Games. In 2014 he left EA and became technical manager at Falmouth University.
Davide Pirola worked as a programmer. Pirola previously worked at companies including Psygnosis, Steel Monkeys and Kuju Entertainment before joining Criterion in 2005. As part of Criterion, Pirola was the self-described “lowest ranked programmer ever.” Here is Pirola’s description of working at Criterion unedited: “My main duty was playing foosball at their mega bar and basically trying to do as little as possible! I mostly succeeded for almost 5 years, my contribution to their games was very minimal, in fact the worst part of every game they made was probably my code, specially crafted in such a way that was a mess to understand and run, credits go where credits due people… I once tried to write some proper code, I remember, it was a Thursday morning, but then I've changed my mind.” Pirola left in 2010 and is currently “Le Grande Fromage” at JFDP labs.
Gavin Rouse worked as a programmer. Rouse joined Criterion in 2002 and seems to now be at Ghost Games as a senior software engineer.
Andrei Shires worked as a programmer. Shires is still at Criterion and seems to work on front end and UI.
Dave Smeathers worked as a programmer. Smeathers joined Criterion in 2006 after being “forced into making video games to pay off his online poker debts.” On Paradise Smeathers worked on coding physics and coding crashes. Smeathers later became physics lead on Need for Speed Most Wanted before leaving Criterion in 2013 to join Fireproof Games.
James Smith worked as a programmer. Smith worked at Mentor Graphics before joining Criterion in 2003 as an audio programmer. Smith became lead audio programmer before leaving Criterion in 2007 and moving to Canada to work at Black Box. In 2012 he left and joined The Coalition, where he is lead audio programmer.
David Steptoe worked as a programmer. Steptoe joined Criterion in 2002 and later became lead audio programmer. In 2013 he left and joined Escapist Games, before leaving at the end of the year. In 2014 he joined Lionhead where he worked until its closure. Steptoe currently runs Audio Software Development, which he formed in 2016.
Alex Thomson worked as a programmer. Thomson previously worked at Rebellion, Elixir and Kuju before joining Criterion in 2006 as a senior software engineer. He has worked as a technical director and lead software engineer in his time at Criterion.
Alex Veal worked as a programmer. Veal joined Criterion in 2006 as an online software engineer. In 2014 he left Criterion and helped start Three Fields Entertainment
James Warren worked as a programmer. Warren joined Criterion in 2005 as an audio programmer. He currently seems to be at Ghost Games and is audio lead.
Tom Williamson worked as a programmer. Williamson previously worked at The Marketing Bureau before joining Criterion in 1999 as a software engineer. In 2011 he left Criterion and the following year became director at JFDP Labs, where he worked until 2017. In 2012 he also started a company called Threeshinyapples Limited.
Ben Woodhouse worked as a programmer. Woodhouse joined Criterion in 2005 as a graphics programmer. On the Paradise engine, Woodhouse worked on “lighting, shadows, occlusion culling, frustum culling, scene management, and various low-level CPU/SPU jobs used in the rendering pipeline.” At the end of 2009 he left Criterion and joined Lionhead as lead engine programmer. After the closure of Lionhead, he joined Epic where he is currently lead console programmer.
Chris Hegstrom worked as audio lead. Hegstrom previously worked at Stormfront Studios and Lucasarts before joining Criterion in 2005. At the end of 2007 Hegstrom left and joined Sony where he worked on God of War. In 2010 he joined Microsoft as audio director before leaving in 2015 and starting Symmetry Audio. In 2016 he joined Technicolor before joining Amazon in September 2017.
Steve Emney worked as an audio designer. Emney was previously self employed before joining Criterion in 2004. He became audio director at Criterion before joining Disney to work on Split/Second in 2009. After the closure of Black Rock Emney became director of TRC Family Entertainment in 2012 where he worked until 2014. Since 2014 he has worked for eMotion in Sound and since 2015 has worked for The Trailerfarm.
Lewis James worked as an audio designer. James joined Criterion in 2005. In 2008 he moved to EA Montreal until 2011, when he moved to Guerrilla Games. At the end of 2013 he left and became director of Improbable until 2015, when he joined La Indiana Sound.
Zsolt Marx worked as an audio designer. Marx previously worked at Rockstar Vienna before joining Criterion in 2005. In 2008 he started to work on other EA games before leaving the company in 2010 after working on Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Since 2012 he has worked as a producer and lead programmer at Noizoo Games.
Thomas Belmont worked as an additional producer. Belmont previously worked at Ubisoft (first in QA and later as a designer and producer) and Eliad Technologies before joining Criterion in 2006. In 2011 he moved to Vancouver to work on other EA games before leaving in 2014 and becoming a producer for online technologies at Ubisoft.
Nick Channon worked as an additional producer. Channon joined EA in 1996 in Vancouver before moving to the UK in 2000 and joining Criterion in 2006. In 2008 he moved back to Vancouver and is currently senior director of business development at EA.
Neil Kaminski worked as an additional producer. Kaminski previously worked at companies including Bullfrog, Pure and Argonaut before joining Criterion in 2005 as a lead artist. In 2006 he became a producer before leaving in 2008 to become studio art manager at Codemasters in 2008. In 2011 he left and joined Escapist Games before joining Pixel Heroes in 2013. After leaving in 2016, he joined CCP in 2017.
Emily Newton Dunn worked as an additional producer. Dunn previously worked in PR for various companies before joining Criterion in 2005 as a producer. In 2007 Dunn moved to EA and became a game designer before becoming lead game designer at Playfish in 2011. In 2013 she left and after being after a few companies for a few months Dunn joined Another Place in 2014. In 2017 she left and after seven months at Playdiation joined Media Molecule in January 2018 as a consultant system designer.
Anja Haman worked on additional support. Haman previously worked at Radical before joining EA in 2005. In 2007 she left before joining Black Box in 2009-2011. From 2012-2015 Haman worked at Work at Play and has been part of Microsoft since the end of 2017. Since 2000 she has worked as president of Haman Consulting.
Maëlenn Lumineau worked on additional support. Lumineau worked as a translator before joining EA in 2000. In 2007 she joined Criterion as as operations manager before leaving in 2013 and joining Ubisoft as a producer.
Adrian Selby worked on additional support. Selby joined Criterion in 2002 as a producer before leaving in 2009 and becoming a producer at Disney. After 2011 Selby worked at some non-video game companies like BP before joining Boss Alien in 2015.
Harvey Wheaton worked on additional support. Wheaton previously worked at companies including JPMorgan Chase before joining EA in 2003. In 2007 and 2008 he was COO/director of product development at Criterion before joining Supermassive in 2008 as their studio director. At the end of 2013 he left and, after working as a consultant for over a year, joined Codeclan in 2015. In 2017 he became executive producer at Natural Motion.
Graeme Williams worked on additional support. Williams worked at Virtuality, Psygnosis and Rebellion before joining Criterion in 2002 as head of product management. In 2004 he became development director before leaving in 2008. After five months at Supermassive Williams joined VIrtual Toys where he worked until 2011. He next joined Digital Chocolate before joining Ubisoft in 2013. From 2014-2016 he worked at Guerrilla before taking a break and joining Virtually Live in 2017.
Paul Dibden worked as an additional artist. Dibden joined EA in 2005 as a graduate artist before eventually becoming a development director. In 2013 he left and co-founded Milkcap before joining Splash Damage in 2015 as a producer.
John Humphries worked as an additional artist. Humphries previously worked at Bubball before joining EA in 2005. In 2008 Humphries left and joined Realtime Worlds as a lead environmental artist. In 2010 he founded Onyx Digital.
Vincent Jenkins worked as an additional artist. Jenkins joined EA in 2006 as a concept artist before joining Codemasters in 2008, where he worked until 2011. Jenkins has mostly worked as an artist for films, including Rogue One, Game of Thrones and Casino Royale. He last worked on concept art for Solo.
Rasmus Jorgensen worked as an additional artist. Jorgensen joined EA in 2000 as a concept artist before leaving in 2007 to join Codemasters. In 2010 Jorgensen left and spent about a year at Leading Light, Double Negative and Ghost A/S before joining IO in 2014.
Jason Lord worked as an additional artist. Lord joined EA in 1993 and worked as a video director until 2012. In 2012 Lord started Liquid Crimson, which has worked with companies including Square Enix, Supermassive, Hello Games, Microsoft, IGN and Capcom.
Osman Nazlivatan worked as an additional artist. Nazlivatan previously worked freelance and at Argonaut before joining EA in 2004 as a technical artist. In 2007 Nazlivatan left, and after months freelance at Big Head, joined Hotch Potch as lead artist/director. In 2011 Nazlivatan left and after under a year at both Natural Motion and Sony joined King in 2014. In 2016 Nazlivatan left King but I’m unable to find what they’ve done after. Edit: Nazlivatan is still at King
Justin Rae worked as an additional artist. Rae joined EA in 1996 and was lead artist on F.A. Premier Manager games. In 2008 Rae left and became director of art at Supermassive before starting his own company, Studio 96, in 2016.
Peter Reeve worked as an additional artist. Reeve previously worked at a few different companies before joining EA in 2004 as a video editor. In 2008 Reeve joined Black Rock before freelance in 2009 and working with companies including EA and Crytek. He currently works at RMV Productions.
Dean Stolpmann worked as an additional artist. Stolpmann worked as an artist at companies including Frontier and Sony before joining Criterion/EA in 2005. In 2007 Stolpmann joined Outso and Codemasters before joining Supermassive as art director in 2010. Stolpmann joined Gameloft shortly after before becoming head 3D tutor at South Seas Film & TV school in 2013.
Avril Lavigne sang the song “Girlfriend” which was featured in the game. The song released in 2007 and the music video has been viewed over 400 million times. Lavigne also recorded the chorus of the song in 8 different languages.The song also got another version with Lil Mama.

Hey everyone,
I am making this thread to try to keep it updated as a motivation to keep living. I tried to overdose on March 1st big time. I wish i would have died now because of covid 19.
I started doing really good for three years at online poker after 2 years of struggling alot at it.
Then in August of last year a few unlucky things happened. I was keeping a ton of money on Ignition poker (( 50,000$)) because my home state was having a hard time deciding whether they were going to cover a very unfair 7,500$ medical bill that i got from when i fainted at the poker table. I had no business paying that bill. So i was keeping that money on the poker website to make myself look poor. The government cant see the money once its on the website. American online poker websites are offshore because the USA is shadily the last country besides Austrailia to shadily keep online poker illegal.
I got sick from a bad cold in August, and i was out of work for a week. I tried adderol for the first time and i took too much. I freaked out on it extra bad because i grew up with schizophrenia from pee shyness and from kids and a few girls telling me i was gay and i had bi polar disorder.
I lost 50,000$ at online blackjack in one night. I never ever gamble like this. Im a 2-5 player and a 30$ to 50$ average buyin player. So i dont even gamble at high stakes much.
Then 2 weeks after it happened... my ex girlfriend...the girl who i thought i would marry...she messaged me saying she wanted to try to date again. We dated for 8 months when I lived in Brazil. Online poker is legal and tax free there. It would have worked out the first time between us, but I had toxic mold infection and i didnt know i had it. So i left to go back home when dating her the 1st time because I thought i was just burnt out as i was still learning the local language. (( not many speak english down here))
So i get back down here this time with like 25,000 $$ left and this girl who was perfect the first time we dated....she was an absolute train wreck this time around....She demanded very expensive gifts for her birthday....and then after i got them for her....she said we were not dating yet.
I broke up with her a couple weeks later. I should have left Brazil right after that...but i had bought a car and i figured what the hell
Online poker is tax free here...i just turned 29.... ive never had a job besides poker...my odds of finding a wife/// partner might be better here.
But it just has not worked out. Ive got like 5,000$ left. I blew 4000$ back at Blackjack chasing losses, i blew 4000$ back on her and a few hookers, i blew through 4000$ on the car....ive made money at poker most months here but just not that much money.
And now Covid 19 has hit. I think suicide is just a better answer sadly. Nobody is going to hire me until at least May 2021 when a vaccine is available. I have been doing online poker and casino poker since i was 22, so i have never had a regular job.
I do not want to move back in with my mom as its dangerous. She refuses to switch jobs. Shes older and works at a nursing home. I do not like her anyways.
I do not get along with my brother, and i hate most of my family because of childhood abuse.
I have never made any real friends or girlfriends really, and i think i might be gay. Sorry for the long post. I feel like usa therapy has let me down big time but alot of it is my fault.
The USA is illegally keeping online poker illegal. 10 states have recognized this and they have legalized it within their own state at least.
But still. I have double schizophrenia for undisclosed reasons these days....my therapist should have kept in touch with me. Sorry
Please keep me and all others struggling in your prayers during these once in a 100 year difficult times!

Was withdrawing from an online casino, bitcoin was the only decent option as there was no fee. I made a Kraken account and created a "deposit address" in their site. I used that created address to withdraw too, however, my kraken account shows 0.00000 bitcoin. I have contacted support for both websites Kraken says yea nothing has been deposited and Ignition casino says it was delivered to that address. Did I fuck up? As ignition asked for a "wallet address" and I'm now seeing "Kraken is not a wallet service" but a "deposit address" is just an address to which a "wallet address" is connected to? . So did I just lose $ to the void? Both websites suggested I talk to the other and I don't know what to do. :(
Edit : there is a minimum on kraken but is .00001 bitcoin which was less then the deposit

At one point I loved this casino. I spent money every week chasing the dream of a big win. However my experience of late has been terrible. This website is trash in terms customer service response to slot errors. I had a slot freeze up after hitting a scatter, and then again after hitting a big pay line. After providing the game play footage, the casino refused to pay the wins, but told me they would escalate my ticket to get it resolved. I then received an email stating they they determined it was "resolved." The follow up to the email was equally disappointing. Don't waste your time playing here. If you win big they won't pay. I've posted this 2 other places, but Reddit may be the final resting place of this rant. It's certainly enough keyboard warrior typing for me. Just be wary of Ignition. If you are gonna donate to a casino, do it somewhere else. For those still playing just know: I permanently closed my account and you can too. Liberate yourselves! XD

On vacation with my family right now and our first hotel happened to be a half mile walk from a casino in Spain (casino gran via for anyone wondering). I’ve only played 5NL and 10NL online on ignition and some home games, and being under 21 this is a rare chance for me to play live, and I was itching to play so bad even though I was jet lagged. Sat down at a very soft table with an OMC to my left and a loose bad player to my right. I bought in initially for 200€ because I thought it was 1/2 as the dealer doing the waitlist and the website said, but turned out it was 1/3 for some reason. Decided to play anyway (200€ was my limit, so only one buyin just to have fun) and bought in. There were only 2 people I figured knew how to play, and the best of the 2 left 30 mins into my session after taking a few pots from me.
The thing that threw me off hard at the beginning was the counter clockwise action. Ended up losing a few BB on the first hand due to confusion with the action and mainly Spanish speaking dealer. Me and this Asian American tourist got confused in some spots because of the language barrier but mostly went smooth since chips talk for you. Overall, I played my standard range and got lucky on a lot of flops, ended up at the end with around 330€ after an hour and a half of play, and tipped the dealer all but one of my 1€ chips as I left since that’s what most people seemed to do (Never saw people tip after winning pots, but saw some people tip as they left so being the good American I am that’s what I did, hopefully that was right for the culture here since I have no idea).
I’ve watched a lot of Ryan Depaulo’s videos and got inspired to degen a little so I set aside 20€ to play 3 card poker and then spin the roulette wheel a couple times on 10 and 36, ended up winning just 5€ back from the house but had fun doing so anyway. Definitely a fun way to spend my first night in Spain!

Yes, I know what you're all thinking.. how many of these stupid posts am I going to see. Why can't these freakin kids just read the subreddit wiki or the past posts...
Lol yes, I have done both of these things and even played online poker a few years back. I'm only playing NL Holdem and am going to be playing pretty low/micro stakes at 1/2 cent or maybe 5/10 cent max. My real reasoning here is that I just took a pretty helpful poker course and would like to practice the techniques and feel more comfortable to use this at lower (softer) online stakes before I play more casually in my local casinos and in vegas. Also, I am in the US but my state of residence is a "grey area" state so unfortunately no WSOP or Pokerstars websites. As for the wiki page it is very helpful but some sites like Global Poker are not even on there. The old posts (that are somewhat recent) are relatively helpful when they aren't extremely biased and start teaming up on certain websites. Basically I want to get a comprehensive taste of what your opinions are. The more opinions the better :)
​
I really would like to devote my time on one website. My ideal website to focus would encompass hopefully most of these rules:

1. The site works in the US “grey area” states (so 888, Pokerstars, and WSOP are out of the question)
2. Has decently soft low/micro stakes. (I don't expect fish everywhere, but something not incredibly tough)
3. Doesn't have any issues in terms of money going in and out and allows for crypto deposits/withdrawals.
4. No true evidence of a lot of bots or collusion going on.
5. Lively cash games (although I might dabble in some tournaments)

​
Here are some things that I would like to see but aren't really mandatory:

1. I would like to use PokerTracker 4 HUD if possible, but it’s not a dealbraker.
2. A decent deposit bonus and rake back would be appreciated but again its not the end of the world if they dont
3. I would like a decently stable software that doesn't have so many holes in it and constant crashes.

​
***PLEASE don’t just say a site name. Give me an explanation too! Pretend like I’m a huge noob (which I am).
Thank you for all of your help! I've heard good things between Global (which I’m still not sure if this is just one website?), ACR and Ignition.. but these are just a few to name. Let me know of any and please give reasoning! I appreciate it so much!

Part 8 (has link to all before it, part 7 link has each individual link)
I expect this one to be the least popular one. Just wanted to be a cynic to open it up. I have been busy and this ones prob a bit sloppy, I didnt really proof read it or clean it up. The next one will likely be my last and hopefully the best one.
It is early 2017. I have been carrying on my usual playing 10-20 hours a week to survive. Still lethargic is best term I suppose. I just dont get excited to play anymore. I consider getting a job to remind me how shitty working is so it gives me a kick in the teeth to play poker. Then it dawns on me, I hate playing poker now.
Poker has been tainted. Everything bad that happened to me I can associate with poker. The rise and fall was poker (the fall part). The oxycontin started as a performance enhancer to log more hours. Everything I consider to be wrong in my life I trace back to poker essentially, even if just a butterfly affect reason that had I done something else I wouldnt be here.
Hating poker is not the greatest realization considering its my only means to income outside of grunt labor. I seek a job in a couple places to no avail which was fine, I didnt wanna do that either.
Several months earlier I had started playing on SWC (bitcoin site) and became familiarized with bitcoin. Thought nothing of it, it was just the currency I was winning or losing. I dont read a thing about it, I learn nothing of it. I wasnt playing a ton or even big stakes, my intention for playing online was to just stay sharp in case it ever comes back full fledge. I have 5-6 btc on this site at the most (2-3k) and I flush it playing plo and big o not thinking much of it.
Back to 2017. Its March/April~ of 2017. I am playing cards one night dicking around probably had a couple drinks and was needling the usuals etc. A guy I do not know is in the game. Looks Russian. I bet he interfered in our election... fucking commies. I dont remember how I got to talking to him but crypto had been brought up. I talk about SWC. Tell him I had a few btc but not anymore. The only other thing I remember well from the conversation was bitching about going from an iphone4 (yes I had an iphone4 from 2010-17, the same one. It barely worked. Many oxycontins snorted off the back of that phone, texts dating back to when I got it in 2010) to the 6 or 7 or wtfever I have now, which is bigger and its harder to text and drive. He just responds by saying “first world problems are the worst”. Amen brother, those Africans and Venezuelans have no clue of our struggle.
I end up talking to him a bit and it turns out he mines crypto. Has a website that sells mining equipment. He has a hell of a back story too. I tell him I am interested in mining. I have about 20k to my name at this time and I realized recently that I dont like playing poker so why not? He eventually tells me not to do it. Regardless we become friends and he is ultimately the most important friend I have ever made. I have made more positive strides mentally since meeting him (mostly work ethic, realizations, reality checks and aspirations) As silly as it sounds, when he told me “first world problems are the worst” it stuck with me. He was saying it as a joke but jokes are funniest when true. He is genuinely the smartest guy I have ever associated with also. If you run into him at a poker table youd think he was a high functioning autist. Then you talk to him and go “ohhh hes just one of those Einstein type geniuses”. His hair is usually a mess, he cuts his own hair for or has his girlfriend do it. He wears cheap clothing usually since it all covers your ass or nipples I suppose. He virtually never instigates conversation with people he doesnt know. He is really deliberate with his actions. Talks really calmly and knows exactly what he is saying. He is just on the same level at all times it seems.
Meeting him has definitely changed my life for the better. We become friends pretty quickly. I know I went on a downer after meeting him because I couldnt afford to buy mining stuff and remember wanting to (again, he told me not to do it eventually anyways).
Which will lead me to another good friend to have. Between 2015 and this point in 2017 I have shot myself in the foot not logging hours a couple times. A friend has bailed me out with a loan or short term stake a few times. He is a well off restaurant owner who loves poker more than just about anything not related to him. Every time I see him we talk about hands he played and he just eats it up, has photographic memory and never butchers a hand history which is nice. He is as good hearted of a guy as I have ever met. (Sorry if this is getting long winded giving praise to people close to me, I intend on sharing with a few people and would like them to know what they mean to me as corny as that is because I suck at doing it in real life. Plus it is kinda gay to get mushy sounding in real life, but I digress. Theyve heard virtually none of the content of this whole thread either, a ton of this stuff I have never shared) In fact he is too kind hearted. He has helped people who wouldnt piss on him if he was on fire, and people have burned him on many occasions. My only complaint about this person is he never kicked my ass and told me to log more hours or fuck off. I needed it. If I just logged hours I wouldnt need the help. Its as simple as that. I have no leaks other than the unwillingness to play (leaks as in drugs/pit games/strippers/wtf ever else) and it has hindered me immensely over the these last couple years. (Ok I do have one embarrassing leak that has been fixed for a year and change, mobile games... I have spent like 30,000$ on mobile games between late 2016 and late 2018, Lords Mobile specifically clocked me for 20k. This definitely hindered my ability to build a roll and got me into a few jams. When youre not logging hours playing youre sitting around gaming and these games arent cheap obviously)
It is around May now and my friend who messes with crypto tells me that Bitcoin is going to 10,000$. Its like 800$ at the time iirc. I own a couple from Ignition cashouts. I kind of trust him. I cant argue him on it as I have literally no mental fortitude on the subject, but I essentially shrug it off. I start watching the price on poloniex and am watching prices jump like crazy. Light bulb in head! I can buy the dips sell the peaks and have more BTC! Lets load the 2.5btc I have onto poloniex! Sell peak but it keeps climbing... “FUCK! gotta get it back before it goes to 10k! Whew. Still have 2.45 BTC. FUCK! Its dropping! Get it out before it goes to zero!”
Yea I turned that 2.5 BTC into .4 BTC. No joke. I think I ended up throwing it onto SWC and losing it once it was almost gone. I honestly forget. I had nothing when it finally hit 20k other than some shit alts worth about 800$ at most (worth 35$ now but they still reside in my locked poloniex account, maybe I will give poloniex my ID if they ever become worth more than 1k)
So I am now annoyed I didnt turn every free dollar I had into BTC. I didnt trust the guy enough and to be fair I would have been using the money I play with. Had I met the guy a year earlier (know what I know of him now) I would probably have just locked it all up and sat around waiting.
I never really get my act together in 2017. I continuously log just enough hours to get by. I just dont care. I just want a way out of this. I catch myself saying “I hate playing poker” and sometime around the end of 17 or early 2018 I start trying to censor myself and quit saying that. Saying it will only make it fester deeper. I have to retrain myself to love poker. I remember the days of playing 18-24 hours straight because I love playing. I love watching for everything I can find to get an edge. I love a situation to present itself where I can step out of line. But now I just sit down and count the minutes before I can tell myself “way to go! You put in an 8 hour shift lets pack it in!” I leave good games often times. I celebrate when games break. This is where I am mentally while I play. I cant break out of it.
Late in 2017 a close friend of mine passes away. Will call him J. He was the guy who gave me a place to stay after the shutdown in Joplin. I was still doing oxy and he never once touched the stuff knowing what has happened to me. He doesnt judge me, he is somewhat of an enabler I suppose. He just drinks does shitty coke sometimes and has a script of adderol and xanax. Literally never once does he do any with me (ive warned him xanax and opiates will kill you if you mix, which is likely part of the reason he never did it) He was a marginal poker player (relative to modern game, he was just good enough to beat the rake live but he had too many pit leaks) and took great pride in being my friend (I was the slayer in the area for years leading up to this, anyone considered the best in their area can relate, you just have the respect of the local poker community). One of my earlier live poker memories involved him. I am like 18 or 19 playing a 1-2 game at a small casino and he was there with a friend. They were the good players in the game at the time. They were having a few drinks eating nice food and laughing having a good time. I remember thinking that I want this lifestyle. Care free gambling fast paced lifestyle. I had told him this story years later and he just ate it up, constantly tried to get me to rebound, but as I have stated many many times in the last few of these I have basically waved my white flag and accepted the result of my fall.
Anyhow after living with him we always talk every few months at minimal and have something to eat when we see each other at the casino. He was somewhat disingenuous sounding he was so nice and honestly it got to a point it started rubbing me the wrong way. I still talk to him of course but less frequently. In December of 2017 I get a phone call from my friend who owns the restaurant and he is distraught. He has been at the hospital and J has passed away. The back story on this is he had gotten a phone call from old friend who was getting out of prison in Arizona with no where to go (a female). J being as nice a guy as he is drives the 20+ hours to get her and gives her a place to stay. Well shes a junky and actually convinces J to do opiates/heroin. He overdoses and dies. I hadnt talked to him in a few months. I regret it. Had I known I would have beaten him senseless and got him to quit before things actually get bad.
Going to his funeral hit me up side the head too. The way I started feeling he was disingenuous just got destroyed. I cant fathom as many people showing up to my funeral with as nice of things to say. I wrote something to say but opt out after a few people say everything I had written (except better). I regret not saying them anyways. I think I still have what I wrote tucked away with the card and his money clip that made its way to me. I stumbled across his casino players card in a box one day and it resides in my wallet ever since. This was the first close friend that has passed away in my life, knock on wood. It woke me up a bit and caused a lot of self reflection because I felt I had let him down. I lived a few miles from him and didnt drop in to see him, didnt stay in contact as well as I should have. All because I felt he was disingenuously nice when he was actually just nice, which is actually because I am a cynical hermit who hates social life these days. That was the real reason I didnt stay closer. Him being too nice was just my excuse to blow him off essentially.
Only other thing I can add is that chick he helped out didnt even go to his funeral and on top of that had tried to take his truck and clean his house out. Junkies are the worst. I was a junky but I proudly say I never robbed anyone or cost anyone anything other than emotional distress.
2018 starts and I have been decreasing my methadone every week for about 3-4 months now. I am on a low dose. Makes sleeping at night hard (get restless legs and sneezy). So I am having a few drinks any time I am at the casino playing (still just two days a week for the most part) to help get through those late night sessions when its worn off and I feel crummy. I get down to 15mg then 10mg and in March of 2018 I get asked if I wanna work for a week with my crypto friend. His friend is setting up a farm with 500 miners and needs help. I agree. The pay is in excess of the work (in my opinion) at 3k and I have no expenses, but I dont argue obviously. Before we leave town I have to pick up my week of methadone (at 4mg now) and so I do that. I never take any of them, I have the box still. Never opened it. They remain at my apartment as a reminder, the box carrying the 6 doses and a stack of receipts for every 75$ week that I kept in the box, several years worth, at least 9-10k worth of receipts, and that shits CHEAP compared to oxy. So I am finally off of opiates. I take kratom still but its essentially non addictive in comparison. Ill cede that I am reliant on kratom but if it disappeared tomorrow I wouldnt panic, I would be fine.
So I fly to Denver with my friend and meet his friends half brother who was instructed to rent a box truck and the three of us were to drive from Denver to Washington carrying like half a million dollars worth of hardware. Its early March, the roads arent exactly great. Half brother of his friend rents a truck with no middle seat though. Its absolutely miserable. Whoever sat middle was sitting like a fem boy legs closed and knees up high from the drive shaft hump. It was un fucking real how uncomfortable the middle was. So like I stated the roads were not great, we drove on ice for 5-6 hours straight (while my crypto friend did about 30 minutes of it before I decided I value my life and banned him from driving, he was literally doing over 70 on this ice sheet when I checked the gauge. I forget what he said, I will fail to make it sound as good but he said that he is protected and can not die, if we wreck he wont get hurt because of some universe stipulation that protects him. He said we would get hurt but he wouldnt. (I will have him tell me this stuff again and leave it in comments, it was pretty funny and I kinda want to think he believes what he said as it was clearly not something he just came up with).
I end up driving like 18 of the 24 (one shot) hours it took as letting crypto friend drive was out. We make it set up a farm over a couple days then we go to Vegas. Not only do we go to Vegas but we fly a private jet. Not only do we take a private jet but his buddy has all four of us our own room at the Bellagio for 5-6 days. I remember having a 4500$ win at Bellagios 500$ cap 2-5 game... ran pretty salty. I only remember one hand worth bringing up, but I closed action and called 400$ pre with 67o with 3 others all in. Just flop 77X and send me the money. (Was drinking, gamble gamble). I cold called that also, some fish had opened massive and a 300$ stack just ripped a 400$ stack rejammed and I had called out of bb knowing fish will call off his 400~. This is actually a leak I have in poker. I will go over it because it has history.
Dating back to online my biggest leak was playing vs short stacks. Everyones biggest leak obv (6m setting). There were a few min buyers on Carbon and I got to the point I put them in pre every time they opened my bb from button, so long as they opened 75%+ from button or close to it. This has carried with me live, if I can gamble 3-4 ways (4 specifically) I will basically do it any time its 100bb~ or less with about 40% of hands if I can close action safely. I am a bit of a degenerate in this sense. I will flip for 1k if I have 10k to my name. It mostly came as a way to loosen up tables (the flipping blind preflop) at my local casino with players who give action. I am pretty snug in general but I cant refuse a flip when it presents itself and I cant refuse a fun gamble with short stacks.
I spend the month in Vegas during WSOP and run absurdly bad. Lose every big pot I play it seems. Switch to PLO the last half of the month and go a week straight without tripling my buy in up at any point. Just insane. Looking back I play rather poorly in PLO. I have been spoiled with my PLO games back home (which have been dead for about a year) and could get away with playing 50% of hands and no one ever bet big draws or anything not the nuts basically. I didnt adjust at all is what the issue was. Was just a frustrating month.
So I return and take a stake from a friend. I barely play still. Same ole same ole.
The last thing I will cover for this section is an incident late in 2018. One of the girls who is the floor at my local casino takes kratom also, we talk about it a fair amount. She has some 10mg percocets (mini oxycontins essentially) she gives me two of them. I havent had one in several years. I have been off methadone for 6-8 months at the time. I am eager to feel what I felt all those years ago, having no tolerance. So I take them home even though I know I shouldnt.
I get home and take both of them. What transpires is almost depressing. It frustrates me to no end that I realized that I have no desire for these. It affirms that all the money I flushed wasnt about the high, it was about the not withdrawing. I basically stated this in an earlier post but this is the event that I learned this from. I dont even enjoy it. I just sink knowing that I gave my life away for these. I have never recovered thanks to pain killers. Never once after 2011 have I ever looked in the mirror and said “finally, I have finally recovered what I fucked off”.
I am going to finish this thread off on the next post most likely. It will likely be long and take me a while to compose as it will cover my current year, and put a bow on it. The story basically climaxes a couple posts back, these surely have slowly lost their luster but I will finish them anyways. Nothing exciting about hearing about a guy who can beat games but wont sit in the chair to do it. Its a bit more upbeat in 2019 though and I feel my future is bright and redemption nears though. I dont think I would have written these if not for a change of mentality recently, so look forward to a positive summary next post.